This Is For Me

I'm trying so hard to get through all of this and I can't see any other way to approach my life at this point. What I want to do and what I should do are probably two totally different things, and on top of that everyone is giving me advice about what I should do or telling me their opinion on the situation. All I really want is to know the whole truth, but when I'm not supposed to be keeping in touch with him that makes it hard. I want so badly to call, but then I would cry and not talk. I want to talk without making him feel bad so that he will tell me his honest opinions. I want to ask why now, when this semester we will be seeing each other more than others, and I want to know if he still even loves me. I'm sitting here typing this and I'm not even crying. I have a heavy ache because for me this isn't over.. I have the ache because if I didn't know something was wrong then how could I try to fix it?

This last semester was hard for me. So hard. I felt like I just went from one stressor to another. That all I could THINK about was school or I'd lose my balance and fail. What I didn't realize is that I was so focused on school that I missed whatever problem it is that he has been thinking about. That I was so caught up in myself that I didn't notice there was a problem.. I guess it's hard to say when I'm not sure what the real problem is, but I know that I want to fix it. I know that this relationship is worth more to me than school.. Or was? I guess if to him it's really over then none of that matters now, but I still wish we could talk.

I'm sitting here and all I can think about is how much I hurt. How I feel so alone and lonely when there are two great people sitting in the other room. I am not myself. I feel so vulnerable right now, and I don't think I ever thought of myself as "safe" when I was with him, but now that it's gone I recognize it; like I can't remember ever really feeling like this when I was with him. For the first time in my life I really am feeling lost, like I'm not sure where to go or what to do. People keep telling me "Stay busy" or "Don't think about it" - well, I can't concentrate to do anything worthwhile, and although I have removed things that will remind me of him, I still have four years of history to remember. Not to even mention crawling into the bed that 3 weeks ago we shared. I find myself not being a glutton, as I would have thought, but not eating at all. I had coffee, coke, and a slice or greek bread today, and you know what? I felt sick when I ate the bread.

Well. It's 10:15, and I need to hop into the shower before bed so I can sleep in just a little bit longer in the morning.. I'll be up at 5. Please please Lord, help me sleep tonight. I haven't really slept well in a few days and I need it for tomorrow.

Goodnight.