There are ups and downs now. If I'm really busy and I am hanging out with people I feel fine, maybe even okay.. but when I get quiet, when I am alone, or when I just think too much I get really down. I got some advice the other day to fill my void of Conor by starting to talk to other guys. I see no harm in it, but now I have to chose a guy. One that preferably isn't exactly like Conor or too much different. I mean, I dated him for four years, and I didn't even end it. I want him, but since he doesn't want me, I can't see how hanging around crying is going to make anything better. I also just feel like I'm cheating myself. I want to have someone to care about me, I'm lonely. But who I want here doesn't want me, so I just have to pick. I also realized how much I want the closeness of a physical relationship. I feel dirty even mentioning it, but I want to feel loved, I want to be close to someone.. I want to have sex. But I want to have sex with my best friend, and he doesn't want me. This puts me in a terrible position, being lonely, wanting attention, wanting closeness, and wanting sex WITHOUT wanting a relationship with anyone other than Conor.