I can't wait to hang out again. :)
I've been praying about things, just asking God to help me feel Better about things. I don't necessarily want to be "over" it, like it never happened, but I do want to be myself again. It's really changed things. I'm feeling much better.. And maybe that has to do with me talking to a guy. :) Just friends, but we are actually talking. We have a ton in common, and it's fun. I might be happy..
I'll just go back to studying for Child Bearing and Child Rearing. Ohhhhh Nursing School how I loathe thee.
It's Sunday evening and although I could stay till tomorrow, I'm leaving tonight. I just had an insufferable dinner with my family and all I want to do is get out of here before I start crying again.
I'm home for the weekend.. I can't be here without thinking about him. I brought all his stuff here and hid it under my bed. I don't want it in my apartment. I know he's going to be in the city when I go back on Sunday. I can't stand the thought of him and I both being in the same city and not talking. I can't do this. Why is it still so hard? Why did my life go from being amazing to so shitty I don't even want to get out of bed each morning? I don't understand. I want my bestfriend back. I want Conor. But I'm not good enough I guess. Maybe I never was..
The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him.
See, I'm not a very emotional person normally, but with what happened, who wouldn't be a nervous wreck? I think that I put all my emotions down in here, just to let them out, but now it's time to stop. I think looking back over them upsets me, and I'm not trying to relive the situation. =/ I think that until I have something positive to put in here without going back to the whole Conor thing I should stop. I need to get over this. I really do. He's moved on and so should I.
There are ups and downs now. If I'm really busy and I am hanging out with people I feel fine, maybe even okay.. but when I get quiet, when I am alone, or when I just think too much I get really down. I got some advice the other day to fill my void of Conor by starting to talk to other guys. I see no harm in it, but now I have to chose a guy. One that preferably isn't exactly like Conor or too much different. I mean, I dated him for four years, and I didn't even end it. I want him, but since he doesn't want me, I can't see how hanging around crying is going to make anything better. I also just feel like I'm cheating myself. I want to have someone to care about me, I'm lonely. But who I want here doesn't want me, so I just have to pick. I also realized how much I want the closeness of a physical relationship. I feel dirty even mentioning it, but I want to feel loved, I want to be close to someone.. I want to have sex. But I want to have sex with my best friend, and he doesn't want me. This puts me in a terrible position, being lonely, wanting attention, wanting closeness, and wanting sex WITHOUT wanting a relationship with anyone other than Conor.
This is still so hard. I emailed Kay to let her know that we broke up, even though I'm sure she already knew. I had to tell her that I appreciated everything that she and Rex have done for me over the years and that I really do love them. She emailed me back, and told me she hoped that Conor and I talked through this, and that it might not be a permanent break. She also told me Rex is in the hospital.. I'm so upset and I'm sure Conor is upset about this and I can't talk to him! I want to let him know I'm here for him and that I still care about him. I can't stand the thought of him just being there not talking to anyone.. or talking to someone else about this.
Here goes.
I have two big tests this week and I don't feel prepared for either of them. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I know that tonight I'm going to take a couple of nyquil and go to bed.
Maybe this giant hole in my chest will atop aching long enough for me to catch my breath and go to school tomorrow.
I can't believe this Happened.
I told him how I thought that he wanted to break up with me from the beginning, and that I was only being short cause I was scared he was going to do it. He said he never intended on breaking up with me, but he thought that's what I wanted.. We were so mixed up. I thought that maybe this would fix things, but I don't know. We said we needed to talk again for longer tonight, since I was on my way into my clinical.
I love him with everything I have and I just hope he feels the same way. I kept telling how much I love him and that he is more important to me than anything else, but he never once said he still loves me. I don't know what's going on. If we broke up because of a misunderstanding, then why is this happening? I don't want to have an air of hope if it's just going to get shot down. I really think that we just need to be completely honest with each other, but I'm scared of what he is going to say.
I think communication and distance are our problems, but when I asked him what he thought about me transferring he seemed like he really hated the idea. I don't understand.
I guess we'll talk about it tonight.
On top of all the other great things happening in my life, tomorrow is IV Clinical. I have to be there at 6:30, which really means 6:10, which also means that I will need to leave by 5:50 AM! :/ I'm really stressed about this clinical, and I'm scared I'm going to do something bad.. I think I'm going to just try and approach this like everything else in my life right now: "Fake it 'till you make it."
I'm going to Grow. I'm going to live. I'm going to be my own person again, even if I don't want to. Life is about making the difficult decisions. I'm not going to mope or cry anymore, I'm going to focus. School is important, especially now. This is the hardest semester I've had so far, which makes it essential that I focus. If in a a few weeks, or months, we talk again maybe I'll be a new me, you'll be a new you. Maybe you'll fall in love again and maybe I'll be able to overcome this hurt. Since I don't know your reasons or thoughts, I'm just going to give up.
I love you with all my heart, but I know that if it's meant to be it'll happen so I'm not going to force it. No more questions, no more texts, emails, or calls.
Natalie
Hopefully nothing will set me off there. O don't want to cry all the time. Hayley and Kyndall may be used to it, but no one else is.
I worked until late last night, and I was kept busy, so that helped. Unfortunately my coworked asked me, "weren't you engaged? Where's your ring??".. FML. Since when do men notice rings? I told him no, we weren't engaged, it was a promise ring, and we broke up. I cried. In the end he gave me some good advice, but I still wish I didn't keep having people ask me about it.
Day 2 of the breakup.. I still hurt. I couldn't sleep last night. I've been crying all morning, and it's only 8. I can't believe how much this hurts. I know I need to give him space, but my first instinct is to text him every time I experience something. I didn't get a goodnight text last night, or a good morning one earlier.. I can't remember the last time that didn't happen. I can't go more than 10 minutes without thinking about something and starting to tear up. I hate how helpless this makes me feel. This had better heal fast because I don't know how long I can take feeling like this.
Well.. four years and three months and it's over. I've never been broken up with before. I can't believe how much this hurts. I had to take down half the pictures on my walls.. take shirts out of my closet, jackets too.. I had to find the boxers he left, all the small things he's given me.. jewelry. Countless things. I had to hide them. I can't look at them without crying. Hell, I can't do much of anything without crying. I hate this. I packed away the promise ring and the pearl set he gave me.. I thought I was going to wear those pearls on our wedding day. I cannot believe this happened.