I think maybe this implant in my arm is making me really moody and depressed. I am always crying. I get upset really easily. I'm mad at Conor so much lately. He is probably just really confused as to why I'm acting so weird. I've never been this emotional of a person before.. I don't even know why I'm so upset half the time. I can't stand this. I think I'm going crazy. I don't understand.
But I don't really think I SHOULD be. I get jealous. I'm a very jealous person. I don't know why, but I'm just like this. Whenever we come home he always wants to hang out with friends. We have the same friends, but somehow I'm never invited.. I don't know. He went to lunch today with a friend of ours and she never even told me she was in town? I don't get it. Maybe he's just more likeable than me? I don't know. It's stupid. I hate this. I've spent today all alone and he's been out with Amalia. Awesome. I know that I should be thankful and spend this time doing my homework, but I'm too mad to write a paper.. ugh. I hate this. I just wasn't ready to feel like this. I didn't expect it. I know he loves me, but no one else does.. no one wants to go have lunch with ME. =/ Maybe I'm just being a baby. idk. I'm not happy... yet again.
I know that I may be being unreasonable, but I'm mad at Conor! I went with his family to THEIR Thanksgiving last year, but he won't come to my family's this year. It makes me upset. It's not even like they will be in different cities.. He could at least compromise and come to mine for a while, then his or vice versa.. but no. =/ I don't even think my anger is unjustified. This is reasonable.. I went to his, he should come to mine. But maybe he just doesn't see it that way.. which is a problem. Ughhh. Why do holidays have to be such an issue.
It's the second week of school already.. the first football game is saturday. WHEW! It is already going by so fast! :] That's good though. I'm enjoying my classes so far.. I'm pretty excited about my A&P and my Life-Span classes. They are really interesting. I'm hoping they won't be too terrible hard on tests too. ahah. NOT. But other than that, my two band classes are pretty fun too. I'm pretty terrible in Concert Band, but that was to be expected.. In CBB, I'm not the worst, I'm the one who's SECOND worst. >.< LOL. Well, I've got some studying to do.. =/ I have a ton of reading to do before tomorrow. UGH.
Anddd Hayley is cooking.. so I'm gonna read until Dinner then EAT! :]
Byeeee.
So, I'm back! Everything is all moved in! I still need to put up some pictures and decorate a little bit, but my room is mostly finished!! I'm so excited. Jerm has helped out a ton so far, so he's being a good big brother. I guess I'll just put up some pics then!! Because I'm eating with Jerm and Shannon in a bit!
I guess I should say how the Implanon is working so far. Well it's working. =/ Yeah, the side affects have come into play more than I hoped, but it's good none-the-less. The "spotting" is the worst. It's not like when you have you're period and you hurt and you're sore and you can tell it's coming.. it's just random. Light and easy, but annoying. So far so good though!
Other than that things have been pretty okay. I can't believe I'll be leaving in about two weeks to go back to school. As much as Conor made me mad today, I'm still really going to miss him.
Today Conor was the biggest jerk ever. He made me cry all afternoon. I think he really just doesn't get things sometimes.. and it worries me. I know he's a saver and doesn't like spending money, but today drew the line. I've been buying us lunch and dinner quite often, and I've not complained. I have the money, I don't mind spending it, so why not? Until this week, I guess. It all started with a $65 dinner two nights ago. I paid. I'm not complaining, but we said we would split it, then it didn't work out that way.. Then today, he offers to buy lunch, so I let him. It was BWW and it cost him $17.. whooho. So afterwards, we swing over to Walmart, and we each get a few things. He insists on paying since we picked up some stuff for his mom, so she would reimburse him. Now, I offered to pay for everything, he said no, then I offered to pay for my things, and he said no again. I don't really care at this point, my stuff was like $6... no big deal. So we get into the car, and he's all pissed. He starts saying how he hates spending money on crap and he just spent $50 on it. So I'm like, "I offered to pay for mine, Conor." And he's just fuming still and says, "It's fine." but in a really mean voice. So I get mad and I'm like, "FINE here, I'll pay you back for it!" and shove $20 in his hand, which he takes and says, "Thanks" in a mean voice. By now, I'm pissed. My stuff only cost $6 and I just gave him $20. I've spent so much money on him lately and he's making me pay him back?!?!?! Then what does he do? HE TRIES TO HOLD MY HAND. So I shove it away. Complete silence for the rest of the drive home. I didn't look at him, or say anything other than "bye" when I got out of the car.
So now I'm home, and I'm really really mad and upset. Conor was such a jerk. So I wanted to talk to my sister, which isn't surprising. Her boyfriend is over but he's dying his hair in the bathroom or something, so I pull her into my room and ask to talk to her. I start crying and telling her how mad I am at Conor and what does she do? SHE SAYS SHE'S DOING SOMETHING RIGHT NOW AND WALKS OUT. I'm crying my heart out to her, madder at my boyfriend of 3 years than I have been in a LONG time, and SHE WALKS OUT. Awesome.
So, I've had like, the worst day in the world. I'm now at home, doing this, while my family is at church. Why didn't I go? Because Con and I just talked and I figured we'd hang out... HAHAHAH. NOPE. He's eating with his family and doesn't know when he'll be back. Awesome again. I'll go get a burger and shove my face with food.
TODAY SUCKS.
So, I'm getting the Implanon BC in tomorrow. I'm kinda nervous, I'm not going to lie. It's the size of a flattened toothpick, and it goes in my arm muscle. The needle they'll use to get it in there is a liittttlllleee scary looking. I know it has to be huge in order for the toothpick to fit into it. =/ I know I'll be all numbed up and stuff, but still. I really hope that this works really well with my body and that it doesn't become inconveniencing. I know that no matter what it will be worth it, I'm just freaking myself out.
Wellll, I just wanted to put that down before I actually get the thing tomorrow. :) I'm going to bed now!
I think I'm finally sick of being home. It's weird becuase I've been looking forward to summer break since Christmas. Summer is about halfway over, and I'm tired of it. I love being able to see Conor and hang out with him, but I also just need some "me time" which no one here is able to realize OR give me.
I bought this incredible new book, it's actually 3 books in one, and I'm so hooked on it. It's like 900 pages long and I'm loving ever y page of it! It's by the same author as the other series of books I like. :) Very exciting.
I'm kinda in a weird depressed mood today. I'm supposed to go over to Con's house at 10:00.. I know what he wants, but I'm not really that INTO it. IDK. I really don't know what I'm feeling or why I'm in such a weird mood. Anyways, if I'm going to go to his house in 30 mins I should probably start getting ready.
LAter.
This summer has been kinda lame so far. I'm working and hanging out with Conor a lot, which is good, but nothing to brag about.. What's really sad is that the MOST exciting thing I've done so far is to go to my Gynecologist. HAHAHA!
Last Friday, for the first time in my life, I went and had a "women's health exam". Ugh. It was terrible. I'm not going to lie, it was one of the most awful things I've ever done on purpose to myself. =/ The good news is, though, that I'm getting on BC! It's going to last for up to 3 years. :) Boy, will that take a load off my back.. I'm glad we're finally getting around to this.
Today has been pretty weird too. All of my plans fell though and I ended up staying home all day. I'm in a bad mood because everything just went wrong. Not fun. So, now I'm watching Alien and eating SourPatch Kids. :) I'm not sure I'm going to be able to stick though this movie though.. I hate scary movies. I'll probably change it soon. =/
Well, I'm gonna get back to that. Later.
Nat.
All of the ties I have with MacArthur High School are now severed. My sister and boyfriend have officially graduated. While it makes me VERY happy to say that I no longer am dating a High-Schooler, I'm sort of sad! I loved going back and eating lunch there, seeing people I've known for years, catching up with a few teachers, and reminiscing about my years spent there.
As the week has flown by I've seen new sides of Conor and Bethany. They are, just as I was last year, itching to be out and on their own. They feel the need to go far away and do great things with their lives. While I'm very excited for Bethany, and hope she does everything she wants, I'm torn about Conor. He's my best friend, and I don't want him running off with out me. I've listened to him talk about College and going away, but I never really thought about it.
I'm sure that he must have had the same worries and fears, that I'm having now, a year ago. When I graduated, I knew that I would be leaving for school, and I wanted to experience everything I could when I went away. While I admit that I thought about some very very stupid things, but one thing I seriously considered was He and I's relationship. I wondered if, after I moved away, maybe things would just fizzle out and die. Maybe being away would ruin everything. Maybe I didn't even want to be dating someone when I was so far away.. In the end, I decided I would just wait and see how things went. I never let him know my doubts or fears, and that's what worries me now.
He is such an amazing person. He truly cares about every single person he meets. He will take the time to teach you something you don't know, to explain anything you don't understand, talk about any differences you have, or comfort you when that time comes. He is a wonderful boy.. But he isn't really, because he is now a Man. Conor may be my person of choice, but I think it's stupid to think that he won't have doubts this year.. consider dating other people, or maybe just breaking things off. Last year we had all the reasons in line, we had plans, we had a schedule, we had weekends.
This year will be different. We will be father away from each other, both with highly filled schedules, and not a lot of free time. While I will have an apartment that will always be welcome to him, it will be four hours away. I'm not sure how much that will limit our time spent together, but I have a feeling it will change things. Last year he was my rock. He kept me grounded and focused on the here and now. Our feelings right at that exact moment. He didn't worry about the future, he just loved me.
Now my concern is, am I strong enough to do the same for him? Can I be his rock when my life is still so upside down? Will I be better, prettier, smarter, more likeable than the girls he will meet at school? How can I know? None of this is going to be easy. I know how great of a person he is, and others will surely see it.. How can I fight off what I don't know?
I want more than anything for him to be happy. I want him to succeed, I want him to experience college to the fullest degree he wishes... I just wonder if I'm good enough to keep. Maybe we were only meant to be High School Sweethearts. Maybe this summer is the last one we will have. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
I'm going to try and focus on the good, try to reassure myself that I'm what he wants. Try and tell myself our love is strong enough. If we've lasted two and half years we can make it through one more. Hopefully. I wish I knew what was coming, maybe then I would feel so insecure. I love him more than I've ever thought was possible. That seems silly, but I know my heart and I know his. That won't stop my worries though. We've got a long road ahead of us, and we both know it.
Hmm, so things have definatly been on the up side here recently. With all the mess that came up about Con and I sleeping together, it all brought us closer.. in a weird way. My parents no longer wait up on me, and my Mom's scheduled me a Dr. appointment for BC! Conor and I are fabulous. I feel like this is what we've needed.. just to Be Together. We spend all of our free time with each other. No matter what we've got planned or what we feel like doing, we're together. :) I'll read and he'll practice. He'll play a game and I'll knit.. whatever. It's all so perfect right now. I love him more than I ever have. We are so perfect together. I know this is going to be an amazing summer for both of us.
He has State Solo's in both Alto Sax and Bassoon on Saturday.. I have to work, so I won't be there when he gets back from Austin. That kind of stinks, but hey, at least I'll have been productive! Saturday is my first day back at the Deaux! LOL. Well, my first real day back. I had a "mock plate" shift yesterday.. these new people I don't know kept telling me what to do. It was funny because I've been working there for a year and a half next month. Lame-o's. I hope they feel stupid come saturday. (And I hope that everything comes back to me!)
Well, it's kinda late, and Lord knows I'm going to be up late tomorrow night, so I'd better get to bed!
Natalie.
That day when my parents came wasn't bad at all. We all ignored it. But when I got home the next day, Mom and I had our talk. Everything went really well, all things considered. So since then, Con and I have been really careful and considerate when we are in my house. It was really important to me that we show my parents respect for how they are dealing with this situation, so I keep making Con keep his hands to himself while we are in the house.
So I guess that brings us to tonight. I've been painting my room for the last few days, and it's almost all done. Well, Con hasn't really hung out with me in a while because of it, so he decided to come over while I was painting flowers on the border for the accent wall. Every time I went to sit by him, he was getting really "touchy". I kept trying to be polite about stopping him, and he would get frustrated and pout. It was getting very annoying. Well, when it came time for him to leave, I had decided it would be best for me just to stay inside and not go out to his car. Well, he guilted me into going out, even though I knew he just wanted to have sex in his car. So we went out, and proceeded to do such, when all of a sudden he stops. I freak out and ask him "WHAT?" and he tells me that my house door is OPEN! At this point, he isn't moving off of me, and I shove him off. He "hmphs" like he's MAD AT ME! I can freaking see my house porch light being flashed on and off, while a head is in the top window of the door, and he's mad that I want to put my clothes on as quickly as possible!?!? I'm shaking I'm so scared. I know that my mom is asleep, so that MUST be my Father! Conor, meanwhile, is just mad we stopped having sex, and we're not going to FINISH.
Right now I'm so mad I can hardly breathe. I rush to put all my clothes on and run straight into the house to the bathroom and lock the door. I wait in there for about 30 mins, not doing anything, then rush to my room, where I shut and lock the door again. Now I'm just in here, not sure what's going to happen tomorrow, or how I'm going to look my father in the eyes tomorrow. I can't believe that I felt GUILTY about not wanting to have sex! I'm never ever going to feel guilty about that again. I knew that it wasn't something we should be doing.. it was so disrespectful. I just let myself be guilted into it, and look where it got me.
Of course, Conor sent me a text later saying "I'm sorry, it's all my fault. It will only happen when you REALLY want it to, Natalie. I'm sorry I made you feel bad so you came out to the car." Blah blah blah. He apologizes, but he never learns. But it's just as much my fault as his. I can't believe I was so stupid. I'm really mad at him, I can't even deny it.
This really stinks.
So a few days back, my boyfriend and I were talking about maybe going on a vacation together. We thought the idea seemed like fun, but, as we are both still teenagers and must cope with our parents and their consequences. So, I decided to get my sister to help seed the idea into my parents' heads and get their opinions. Seemed like a good idea. Anyways, it turned into my Mom JUST NOW finding out that he and I are having sex.. I thought I had made this pretty clear in a previous talk we had. Weeelll, needless to say, I'm now stuck with the fact that she's coming up here, with my day, either tomorrow or the next day to help me move.. AWKWARD. I don't want it to be, but how could it NOT be?? She told my sister she was "disappointed" and that she wants to talk with my boyfriend and I. I just hope everything goes well. :)
Funny thing, though. Con told me "I guess this is what it must feel like to be Gay.. NATALIE! We're coming out of the Virgin Closet!!" Hahahaha. :) Made my evening.
Well, I still have two finals left to study for, so I had better get back to studying! Organic CHemistry and Old Testament! Whoo Hoo! x_x
Natalie
I'm so frustrated right now it's unbelievable. I'm crying about CLASSES! This is not funny.
All I'm trying to do is take 2 classes over the summer at a community college. After jumping though all the hoops on Hardin-Simmons' end, I'm now forced to deal with Northlake people! I keep getting put on hold, or told to call someone else, or being disconnected! Now they are saying that I need certain prerequisites to take the Microbiology class I want to take.. prerequisites that are NOT required for me to take it here at HSU.. I can get that wavered IF I can get a dean to talk to me and show him my transcript.. IF I COULD GET AHOLD OF THAT PERSON! And oh yeah, they only offer Micro at El Centro, so I would be taking one class in DOWNTOWN FREAKING DALLAS and another one in Irving... I'm so upset. Everyone keeps telling me different things. I don't know who to believe or what to do!
So, after a week of getting signatures and checking to make sure these classes will work for HSU, which I thought was ridiculous, I'm now forced to do that AND MORE for Northlake's end!! I was upset, feeling overwhelmed, and lost, so I called my mom... What does she do? She yells at me "What do YOU want?!?" and so I explain. She then tells me, "Well, I don't know either!!" So I hang up, and burst into tears. I had been on the phone for almost 2 hours trying to get all this figured out and she won't even TRY to help me.
So, after all this work, I think I'm just not going to take classes this summer. I'll just work. I'm so upset right now. I can't believe how much time I've wasted on this. I feel emotionally drained. It's not fair. I hate this. I hate it.
I'm about to eat a snickers bar, turn on the tv, and crawl into bed. Who knows if I'll come out for class tomorrow... I'm really not in the mood for ANYTHING.
Natalie.
Timo sent my another picture he took of Conor and I over the summer last year. I think that by this time we were at his house. I think this is my favorite one. :) The only sad part is that Con recently cut off all his hair and mine is twice as long as it is there.. haha. I don't care though, I LOVE this picture!
Natalie.
Why is it that Mom's can make you feel better just by talking to you?? =] I'm almost 20 and I'm just now realizing how much I love and appreciate my Mom. She's the most amazing woman in the world. How could I have ever treated such a woman so badly? I didn't even need to go into details, just talking to her made me feel better. I love my Mom.
Natalie
I had the most amazing Spring Break, and only because I didn't do a dang thing! I got to hang out with Con and my family the whole time. When I'm home it's as if all the time that's been between us hasn't happened at all. I love it. He's so perfect for me. All of this just keeps getting harder though. I don't know if it's just starting to wear me out or what, but every time I have to say goodbye to him it keeps getting harder. Every time I get back to school I get depressed. For the first day I'm fine, but then that night, when it's quiet and everyone is catching up, I start to miss him and get sad. Then he's all I can think about and it gets worse. I hate this feeling. I want to be with him, to be near him. To hold him every night. I know that in a week I'll be fine again, but I just feel so crappy now. I want my boy back. I want to be with him again.
Natalie
1. He is so talented.. way more than I EVER was.
2. He tells me I'm beautiful in every way.
3. He is scared of getting married.
4. I'm not sure that I could live without him anymore.
5. He is so sure of everything.
6. He understands me like no one else on this whole planet.
7. He pushes me to do more than what I think is sufficient.
8. He would suffer through anything for me.. silently.
9. I have to make the hard decisions because he's too nice sometimes.
10. When he does something, he does it completely, and is the best at it.
I know that most of these silly blogs end up being about him, but I just can't put him out of my mind. He is always there. Always with me. I think that's how I know we are meant to be. I found a song today that I want to be played at my wedding. It's so cute. It's perfect.
Until You, by Dave Barnes.
Let's just take our time
There's nothing else to do
What better way to spend the night
Than wasting it with you
The moon has won the war
The daylight waits to end
Stay here by my side
We'll watch the struggle start again
I need you now and forever
So stay right here with me
Don't ever leave
Love was kept from me like a secret
And I swore that I was through
Until you, until you
The city settles down
I watch you as you sleep
There's a silent celebration for
Every breath you breathe
Now this all makes sense
With you as company
I left all I knew and found
A better part of me, yeah
The time it took to find you
I would
Wait again my baby
The feelings that
I feel with you, yeah
until you until you until you
man, these last few weeks have just BLAZED by.. i was just home for christmas, and now it's about to be spring break! Con has come up to HSU a few times in the past few weeks. =] He's making the rounds for his college auditions. He stopped by last weekend twice! =] i was very excited. his little conjugal visit went very well. ;-p hahahah. but really. he'll be down again this upcoming wednesday.. then i'll be heading home on friday!! sooo exciting. i'm a little bummed that our spring break's aren't the same, but that's still not terrible. we'll have the evenings, so it'll be fun. =] yesss, and the NIGHTS. =D hahah. ohh i'm in such a good mood because i'm talking and thinking about these things. =]
weeelllll, my laptop is about to die and i'm going to eat a bww with hay in a few mins, sooo i'm gonna go ahead and wrap this up.. hahahaha. my dirty mind!
lol, byeeee.
the most amazing boy ever. I had an amazing Valentines Day. He cooked for me! =] Ummm and now he's coming to see me! =D
I just had to tell the world how amazing he is. I love my boy.
I'm dying here! I really can't go on like this... I feel so depressed, and I know it's only because I haven't been home for so long. I miss Conor, I miss my family, I'm sick of school.. and I'm tired. Con and I keep arguing over silly little things, things that make no sense to argue about when I'm 300 miles away. I'm biting his head off for no reason. I hate it. I hate that I'm acting this way. To top it all off, I'm about to start my period.. just in time for Valentines Day, lovely... Everything is going WRONG!
But, I guess that's what comes with trying to keep up a long distance relationship, I don't know.. I know that I love him, and I'm not going to give up, I won't. I love him way too much for that. He IS my future. I can't wait until we are together all day, every day. I really know that all of these problems will slip away. (probably to be replaced with brand new problems, but still) We're going to make it.. We are in this for the long haul. For forever.
I'm just being a teenager for the last year I can still use it as an excuse for my behavior.. hahaha!
=]
Natalie
I guess sometimes it's easy to forget things.. easy to just loose yourself in the past and just not remember to look around and enjoy the present. I know that for myself, I forget to enjoy what's going on around me. This life has so much to offer me right now and I just can't let it all pass me by because it "isn't how it used to be". I'm full of excuses of why I don't like this or that, when in reality, I'm just scarred of the future.
I've changed so much in the past year, that, looking back, I'm not even sure I REALIZED what I was getting myself into. I made so many mistakes. Some that have changed me forever. Some things that I swore to myself I would never do, I've done. Life isn't simple, it isn't easy, and it sure as heck didn't come with an instruction manual. I've got to get used to making hard decisions and then just living with what I decide. No more complaining, no more giving up.. I just need to deal with things. Face them instead of making excuses.
My life has become something that I am very proud of. I know that while it is still flawed and somewhat tattered in areas, it's mine. It is what I have made of it Myself. No one else has any claim on it. My mistakes are only mine and cannot be placed on anyone else. Some of these mistakes I have learned from, and others, while they may have once looked like mistakes in the recent past, have now become cherished moments in time. I have learned from all of these my true Value. My potential is being shown, my worth coming to the forefront in my mind.
I am thankful for the year that has passed. Seeing it go will see off many firsts for me... Most shared with Conor Bell. He has my heart. He has it so fully that I am hardly able to go a few hours without thinking or being reminded of him in some way. I truly can say that he has taught me what it really means to Love someone. This past year holds many many places in my heart. I will never forget the memories and experiences we have shared, Con.
So, as 2009 starts, I do not have a resolution to make, nor a list of flaws I would like to correct, only a sad, but hopeful, farewell. I promise to remember, but not dwell in, 2008. To make this new year a better year; one full of many accomplishments and memories that will someday stick out as amazing moments in my life. For that I will need the help of everyone, I will need your support and participation. I know that you won't let me down. Thanks.
Natalie.
today i did something i never ever thought i would do for ANYONE. i'm nervous that i've done the wrong thing, but right now i DON'T regret it! i just hope nothing ever becomes of this.. that it's just for him and no one else. =] i love my boy. he's amazing. i'm glad that this makes him happy, even if it scares me just a little bit!
on another note, this is kind of a lame weekend for me! it's a long one and i'm here by myself because hayley went home for the break.. =/ i've just been reading and watching tv.. i hung out with my brother last night though. i spent the night at his place and came home this morning. i'm glad we finally get along really well.. it's taken long enough!!
okie dokie. well, i'm going to get back to watching my movie!
byee!
yup, break is over and it's time for school again. =/
i had a great time at home. i spent so much time with my family and conor. it was amazing. i already miss just being around them! haha, i've been at school for 3 days now... lame, i know.
but anyways. my classes this semester will be significantly less stressful, i think. not less work, just less stress. =] that = a happy natalie. i haven't gone back into work yet, and i think i'll wait untill next week to do so. i'm just going to try and get started off before i add back in the stress of a job. i think that sounds logical, right? yeah. =]
sooo, i guess i'm going to go get some lunch! my tummy's been grumbling all morning!
natalie!