There are ups and downs now. If I'm really busy and I am hanging out with people I feel fine, maybe even okay.. but when I get quiet, when I am alone, or when I just think too much I get really down. I got some advice the other day to fill my void of Conor by starting to talk to other guys. I see no harm in it, but now I have to chose a guy. One that preferably isn't exactly like Conor or too much different. I mean, I dated him for four years, and I didn't even end it. I want him, but since he doesn't want me, I can't see how hanging around crying is going to make anything better. I also just feel like I'm cheating myself. I want to have someone to care about me, I'm lonely. But who I want here doesn't want me, so I just have to pick. I also realized how much I want the closeness of a physical relationship. I feel dirty even mentioning it, but I want to feel loved, I want to be close to someone.. I want to have sex. But I want to have sex with my best friend, and he doesn't want me. This puts me in a terrible position, being lonely, wanting attention, wanting closeness, and wanting sex WITHOUT wanting a relationship with anyone other than Conor.
This is still so hard. I emailed Kay to let her know that we broke up, even though I'm sure she already knew. I had to tell her that I appreciated everything that she and Rex have done for me over the years and that I really do love them. She emailed me back, and told me she hoped that Conor and I talked through this, and that it might not be a permanent break. She also told me Rex is in the hospital.. I'm so upset and I'm sure Conor is upset about this and I can't talk to him! I want to let him know I'm here for him and that I still care about him. I can't stand the thought of him just being there not talking to anyone.. or talking to someone else about this.
Here goes.
I have two big tests this week and I don't feel prepared for either of them. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I know that tonight I'm going to take a couple of nyquil and go to bed.
Maybe this giant hole in my chest will atop aching long enough for me to catch my breath and go to school tomorrow.
I can't believe this Happened.
I told him how I thought that he wanted to break up with me from the beginning, and that I was only being short cause I was scared he was going to do it. He said he never intended on breaking up with me, but he thought that's what I wanted.. We were so mixed up. I thought that maybe this would fix things, but I don't know. We said we needed to talk again for longer tonight, since I was on my way into my clinical.
I love him with everything I have and I just hope he feels the same way. I kept telling how much I love him and that he is more important to me than anything else, but he never once said he still loves me. I don't know what's going on. If we broke up because of a misunderstanding, then why is this happening? I don't want to have an air of hope if it's just going to get shot down. I really think that we just need to be completely honest with each other, but I'm scared of what he is going to say.
I think communication and distance are our problems, but when I asked him what he thought about me transferring he seemed like he really hated the idea. I don't understand.
I guess we'll talk about it tonight.
On top of all the other great things happening in my life, tomorrow is IV Clinical. I have to be there at 6:30, which really means 6:10, which also means that I will need to leave by 5:50 AM! :/ I'm really stressed about this clinical, and I'm scared I'm going to do something bad.. I think I'm going to just try and approach this like everything else in my life right now: "Fake it 'till you make it."