I follow several different sites and organizations that deal with the loss of a child. One of the main ones is called Hope Mommies, and it’s actually the source of great healing for me on most days. Just to read about other women, mothers, and families dealing with loss and their experiences just solidified my own. Brent, I think, has mostly healed from the loss of Tucker through the birth and growth of our second son, Henry. I have healed, but grief still overcomes me at times.
In late 2017 we began to try to conceive our third child. In January we found out we were pregnant, and in mid February I began to bleed. We were shocked. Completely dumbfounded. I had, the moment I saw two lines on the test, began to prepare myself for loss. Again. But then, when faced with the reality of it, I was inconsolable. I wanted nothing more than to just pretend I was never pregnant. But I couldn’t. No one even knew except for us and our parents. And we told them after we had started miscarrying. It was awful. I had to decide if I was truly going to go on with my day to day life all the while losing our child, or if I was going to let people see how broken I was by losing them. I couldn’t hold it in. I told work, friends, family.. and I stayed home for what was a long and very exhausting week. It wasn’t easy. It didn’t happen fast, and it was completely natural. I cried. I prayed. I was angry. I held on to Henry and Brent like they were my only hope of getting throuh it. Of losing our third baby.
Eventually, things went back to normal, and we had to decide what to do next. Try again? Wait? When you’ve lost the most precious thing to you, twice now, it’s hard to make the call to risk it again. But when the result of it going right is waiting to be dressed each morning and to get a hug and kiss when you come home from work you try again. Or at least, we did. We want a big family.. we HAVE. a big family, it’s just that 2/5 of us are in heaven now. And that’s hard. So, we were mostly just avoiding being intimate until we worked up the courage to face our fears.. when our desire for a family outweighed the fear of getting pregnant. And very soon we were pregnant again.
I am just over 17 weeks pregnant. It’s not as long as I was pregnant with Tucker, but longer than the baby we lost this year. This time it is a little girl. Our first babe that we know has been a girl. It’s surreal. This pregnancy has been mostly calm, for which I am greatful. I can find her heartbeat, and Henry knows he has a baby sister in mommy’s tummy. He gives her hugs and kisses and makes me think I’m both crazy and hopeful for telling him she’s there. He asks about her. He tells everyone she’s there. He says sorry to her when he bumps me and wants to read her books. It makes me so happy. And so so scared sometimes. I pray for her, we all do, every night when we put Henry to bed. We pray for her to keep growing, for her to be safe and healthy, for her to come see her big brother in late October or early November. We pray for everyone to feel good and for God’s will to be done. Then later, usually when I’m alone, I pray the most fervent prayer that reiterated everything we’ve already prayed. I pray for health and growth of Henry and his sister. Of safety and peace and praying that all my babies know how much I love them and want them. And I cry. And ask that God gives me peace to accept whatever comes and that I value every moment I have with any and all of the children I have had or have.
So that’s where we are at. In constant flux of hope and worry. Of anxiety and peace. More often than not these days I feel peace, which is truly nice. With Henry I felt almost no peace, no matter what. I just had a looming cloud over my head for most of my pregnancy. Even in delivery I felt like something would take him from me. In the first 6 months of his life I was as close to him as I could be. Either in person or watching on the baby monitor. So this time. This time I am glad I am feeling more peace. But the moments of fear and anxiety that do come are just as intense, if not more so for having lost one more baby since Henry was born. Tonight the trigger was a blog post about losing your first born child. I can relate. And it never gets easier. I used to, somewhat, think that a miscarriage was easier to deal with than a stillbirth. I have now had both, along with one very health living child. Neither one is easier. They are different. I never felt the kicks of our third baby, which almost makes it harder because I have no real “connection” with that pregnancy other than my tests saying I was pregnant.. it made me feel like less of a mom because I had that baby for such a short time that we have no real memories to look back on. With Tucker, I felt the loss of the future more strongly because he was real to me. I felt him, I saw sonograms of him moving and he was a BOY.
This baby. This girl. Hadley Rose. She has me so excited to be her mommy. And for her to make Henry a big brother. And for her to be her daddy’s girl. I just want everything for her. And I’m praying I can give it to her for as long as I can in this life.
Hadley, we have a journey ahead of us, however long we have you. I pray we get to keep you for a very long time. Love, Mommy.
Today is the day we buried Tucker. Again, it's like everything happened all over again. I remember who came and who spoke at the funeral.. I remember having to look at all the things our family picked out because We couldn't bear to really do it. It is my dad's Birthday. I clearly remember when we were discussing which day the funeral would be on, I wanted it as soon as possible, and he said "I would be honored to share my birthday with my first grandson". And that was that. He knew we wanted it to happen quickly, and his birthday was only 2 days after Tucker's.. So the 25th it was.
Today is Tucker's 2nd birthday. I know it's silly to think of it as his birthday, but it puts the day in as a normal celebration for any child. Only my son's in heaven.
I'm so emotionally done with everything. I'm pretty sure my period is about to start, even though it shouldn't for another 5 days. I started spotting yesterday and this evening it happened again. I'm heartbroken and confused and feel like a failure. I don't understand why we got pregnant so easily the first time but now we can't. I don't want Tucker to be my only child. Please Lord don't make him my only baby. I want to have children of my own. I want to be pregnant. I loved being pregnant. I don't understand why this happening. Dear Lord please let me have a live baby. I don't know what else to do. I just feel so lost since we lost Tucker and now we can't even get pregnant again to try to move on! I can't stand this. I want a child! I want Brent's child.
Well today begins the waiting game for me.
upset. I'm upset because everywhere I look people are moving forward with their lives and we are not. I'm upset because babies who were born when Tucker should have been are 3 months old now. I'm upset because everywhere I look there are babies. There are pregnancies. There is happiness.
.. how accurate I was last post.
So we are now actively trying to get pregnant and I t's so much weirder and harder than I imagined.
So this last month has been really crazy. I had my first FNP clinical (family nurse practitioner).. It was sprung on us a week before the first person's clinical, as they were one per week for a month and a half. And just GUESS who was fist? Yours truly. :) It was crazy hectic getting ready, but it was fine and great and I am for sure this is what I want to do.
It's hard for me to deal with school sometimes. My orientation for school was supposed to be August 24th. However, on the 20th we were admitted to the hospital after the sonogram that changed our world. So since I had the most horrific induction of a stillbirth ever, and I was in the hospital for 5 days before we delivered, I missed getting to meet my fellow students and our instructors and go over things we should know. I feel like every time I'm unaware of something for school someone will inevitably say "maybe you should have come to orientation.." and I want to scream and punch them in the throat. Oh I'm sorry, I was having to give birth to my dead son. That's so much harsher than I actually feel, but I just seem to relate everything school-related with our loss. I love school, I love the thought of being more independent as a nurse. I'm just venting here because that's what I made this for... and to hide my crazy. :)
So lets talk about periods. Because that's fun. I was due for my period on the 3rd of February. That was 6 days ago. Since delivering Tucker, my periods have been a super regular 30 days. Before Tucker my periods were longer, normally about 36 days. So if for some reason my body was just readjusting, I should be having my period any day now. I freaked out and took several pregnancy tests, which were negative. Brent and I were planning on trying to get pregnant again this month, which is when ur OBGYN said we could. The 23rd of February will be the 6 month anniversary of Tucker's delivery, and that's the date he's going off of. With school, the logical time to have a baby would be during Christmas break or shortly before, that would allow for maximum No School and No Work baby time. That's when we were due with Tucker, December 19th. It's crazy to me that our loss and time we are allowed to try again line up perfectly with the best time for us to have a baby. February would obviously be a little early, but early won't hurt. I'm worried about what if we don't get pregnant right away. We conceived Tucker on the first month that we were trying, and our pregnancy went so smoothly. I can't wait to try again, but this late period is freaking me out. I have always been regular, and I'm sure it's just stress, but I'm freaked out that I'm late and I'm not pregnant. Being on TTC boards makes me worry about molar pregnancies, and early miscarriages, and I'm worried. I need it to start so I can move on. This is going to be hard enough without having to worry about a million other things going wrong OTHER than another stillbirth.
Oh gosh. So now I'm worried about that. With no period symptoms at all and a negative pregnancy test I'm completely dumbfounded. My mom is convinced I'm not pregnant and that it IS just all stress, so I'm going to go with that. I just don't want this stress to mess up the time we want to start trying to get pregnant.
Rant over.
Today was the day we were anxiously awaiting my sweet son! You were supposed to be here any moment. We were supposed to be trying anything we could to get you to come meet your parents. We were supposed to be all packed up and ready to rush to the hospital at any hour of the day. We were supposed to have your going home outfit picked out and your car seat installed. Your nursery all decked out and your very first stocking hung next to ours. We were supposed to have very tiny little gifts under the tree and family and friends all waiting to get "the call". We were supposed to be sharing this day with you. Maybe. Or maybe you'd be stubborn and come a few days late, as most first babies tend to do.
I feel like a terrible person. After all we've been through this year with all our losses and stressors I can still find so much to be thankful for... But I don't want to be thankful. I want to be mad. I want to cry and scream and throw a fit until my Heavenly Father gives me what I want like a spoiled child. I want my baby. This was supposed to be our first Christmas as a family WITH him. Now it's the first Christmas without.
My best friend, who got pregnant just weeks before we did, is due any day now. She is expecting a precious baby girl, and her parents are so ready for her to be here. See, their due date is tomorrow, the 6th, and our was the 19th. We were so excited to be going through pregnancy together. To be starting a long process of raising eachother's children together. But now she's going to get her baby and I'm not. I know, I know. I am GLAD she got to keep her baby. But that doesn't stop me from being completely broken that I didn't.
I cannot come to terms with all these feelings I have. They come in waves and overtake my spirit with such a ferocity that it unnerves me. I am a calm pond of serenity, with peace through Christ most of the time. Until something, some small thing like Christmas enters my mind. And I'm reminded of the first big holiday we were supposed to be together. And we won't. Then suddenly I'm in a boiling raging sea that I can barely keep afloat in. I pray and pray and try to calm down. Try to be thankful that I know we will see Tucker again. BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT! I WANT HIM IN MY TUMMY! IN MY ARMS IN A FEW WEEKS!
I am so jealous of my best friend. I feel like a terrible person. Her big swollen belly with her kicking baby inside no longer makes me flinch every time I see it, but I know that her sweet, precious, baby girl will always be a reminder to me of what I don't have. And I'll be back on that raging sea where I'm barely hanging on. It's not fair. I know it's not, and there is no way to say anything else. I just wish that these circumstances didn't make me feel like such a terrible person. I am in a constant state of asking God to give me the strength to be okay with our lives and our losses. I am constantly asking for more and more of God's grace to get me through the day. I just wish I didn't need it. That I could be a more positive person who didn't feel one second away from getting lost in that raging sea. More than anything I wish I could be that huge and blissfully happy pregnant woman you always see out and about, just waiting for her perfect baby to come, knowing that everything will be alright. I don't think I'll ever be able to be her, even if we do get pregnant again. I have been robed of a peaceful and stress-free pregnancy.
So I'll keep praying and praying that I will begin to feel a constant peace about all of this.. that maybe someday I won't be thrown into the stormy-sea that is intense grief and jealously. I will keep praying and God will keep giving me the grace to get through it.
Natalie
On August 20th, Brent and I went in for a routine ultrasound at 22 weeks and 5 days into our pregnancy. We were stunned when we found out that baby Tucker was no longer with us. He had no heartbeat. We were sent to the hospital and induced, and on the 23rd we delivered our precious boy. How weighed in at a tiny 13 ounces and was 13 inches long! Had he kept growing at that rate he would have been a long and lean baby, taking after his Daddy. Delivery was hard, with my body wanting to hold on to our boy who wasn't due for another 3 months, but we made it though with no epidural and very little to complain about in his actual birth. We said goodbye at a memorial service on August 25th, my Dad'd birthday. He said he would willingly share his special day with his firstborn grandson.
Welllllllll. Brently's and I are going to find out the sex of the baby in 4 days!! :D We are so very excited!
This last month has been so full of ups and downs it's unbelievable. I really can't imagine how I'm even functioning after all the stress I've been under! So. I'm going to make a list of Downs followed by a list of Ups, and maybe in the end it'll help me feel a little more thankful and a little less annoyed. Here goes.
So many fun things are happening! We have officially got the house! We'll sign on it and get the keys Monday morning! Then that afternoon I have my second prenatal visit and we'll pay off the doctor's bills of having a baby! :D I'm almost done with my first trimester!! :) Brent has graduated and I gave him the gift of a fancy suit. :) We are able to pick that up Monday as well!
Well, a lot has happened since I last posted.. Some very big changes are in the making! :) I found 4 days ago that I'm pregnant!! :D Brent and I are overjoyed! We have wanted to start trying and it's happened so soon! We were both shocked, excited, and amazed that this precious gift has been given to us! We are very early on in the whole thing, maybe 4-5 weeks along, but so excited! We have begun to tell family and friends and could not be happier! This little one will be due either the end of December or beginning of January, I'm not sure which just yet! :) Brent has just got the best graduation gift he could ever ask for! And I've been given the gift of life! :D I still can't believe that someone is growing inside of me! OUR BABY!
Today we laid my Papa Ray to rest. He went suddenly, and unexpectedly, in his sleep.
One year into our wonderful marriage! I cannot believe it! We are so happy and in love and all the other cliches that go along with newly weds! In my wildest dreams I imagined feeling loved like this, and now my dreams have come true. I am truly blessed.