This Is For Me

There are so many emotions that go through my head and heart nonstop. I'm worried I'm going to be super obsessive until I get pregnant. Like testing and thinking something of every little symptom. I'm already using an ovulation predictor just to try and get pregnant quickly.. I'm worried that I'll get either super disappointed if we go longer than one month trying or that I'll just chicken out. 

It seems like I've been super emotional too. I know that's probably normal, but I just feel sort of out of control. I can't feel %100 excited for getting pregnant just because I know now that bad things can happen. My idea of pregnancy is now jaded. I know that that's how I'm going to feel for the next pregnancy, for however long it lasts. I knew that there was a possibility that it might be this way, but I'm surprised that I feel it so soon. I cry every time I see a baby commercial or I see Facebook pictures of pregnancy announcements. It makes me nervous to go back to work, as I work with new moms. I didn't really think about how difficult this could be. 

I have been praying since we lost Tucker that the next pregnancy goes smoothly and we get to keep it. Now I feel like I should have been praying for myself; for less stress and more enjoyment of each step in conceiving again. I feel so overwhelmed with so many emotions regarding this journey. I can't help but just wanting to cry or scream or just curl in a ball and pray. 

So I just pray that all goes well, we get pregnant easily and this first month, and that baby is healthy and we hold on to him or her until term and deliver safely. I will just keep this prayer in my mind like a mantra.