I feel like a terrible person. After all we've been through this year with all our losses and stressors I can still find so much to be thankful for... But I don't want to be thankful. I want to be mad. I want to cry and scream and throw a fit until my Heavenly Father gives me what I want like a spoiled child. I want my baby. This was supposed to be our first Christmas as a family WITH him. Now it's the first Christmas without.
My best friend, who got pregnant just weeks before we did, is due any day now. She is expecting a precious baby girl, and her parents are so ready for her to be here. See, their due date is tomorrow, the 6th, and our was the 19th. We were so excited to be going through pregnancy together. To be starting a long process of raising eachother's children together. But now she's going to get her baby and I'm not. I know, I know. I am GLAD she got to keep her baby. But that doesn't stop me from being completely broken that I didn't.
I cannot come to terms with all these feelings I have. They come in waves and overtake my spirit with such a ferocity that it unnerves me. I am a calm pond of serenity, with peace through Christ most of the time. Until something, some small thing like Christmas enters my mind. And I'm reminded of the first big holiday we were supposed to be together. And we won't. Then suddenly I'm in a boiling raging sea that I can barely keep afloat in. I pray and pray and try to calm down. Try to be thankful that I know we will see Tucker again. BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT! I WANT HIM IN MY TUMMY! IN MY ARMS IN A FEW WEEKS!
I am so jealous of my best friend. I feel like a terrible person. Her big swollen belly with her kicking baby inside no longer makes me flinch every time I see it, but I know that her sweet, precious, baby girl will always be a reminder to me of what I don't have. And I'll be back on that raging sea where I'm barely hanging on. It's not fair. I know it's not, and there is no way to say anything else. I just wish that these circumstances didn't make me feel like such a terrible person. I am in a constant state of asking God to give me the strength to be okay with our lives and our losses. I am constantly asking for more and more of God's grace to get me through the day. I just wish I didn't need it. That I could be a more positive person who didn't feel one second away from getting lost in that raging sea. More than anything I wish I could be that huge and blissfully happy pregnant woman you always see out and about, just waiting for her perfect baby to come, knowing that everything will be alright. I don't think I'll ever be able to be her, even if we do get pregnant again. I have been robed of a peaceful and stress-free pregnancy.
So I'll keep praying and praying that I will begin to feel a constant peace about all of this.. that maybe someday I won't be thrown into the stormy-sea that is intense grief and jealously. I will keep praying and God will keep giving me the grace to get through it.
Natalie