I told him how I thought that he wanted to break up with me from the beginning, and that I was only being short cause I was scared he was going to do it. He said he never intended on breaking up with me, but he thought that's what I wanted.. We were so mixed up. I thought that maybe this would fix things, but I don't know. We said we needed to talk again for longer tonight, since I was on my way into my clinical.
I love him with everything I have and I just hope he feels the same way. I kept telling how much I love him and that he is more important to me than anything else, but he never once said he still loves me. I don't know what's going on. If we broke up because of a misunderstanding, then why is this happening? I don't want to have an air of hope if it's just going to get shot down. I really think that we just need to be completely honest with each other, but I'm scared of what he is going to say.
I think communication and distance are our problems, but when I asked him what he thought about me transferring he seemed like he really hated the idea. I don't understand.
I guess we'll talk about it tonight.
On top of all the other great things happening in my life, tomorrow is IV Clinical. I have to be there at 6:30, which really means 6:10, which also means that I will need to leave by 5:50 AM! :/ I'm really stressed about this clinical, and I'm scared I'm going to do something bad.. I think I'm going to just try and approach this like everything else in my life right now: "Fake it 'till you make it."
I'm going to Grow. I'm going to live. I'm going to be my own person again, even if I don't want to. Life is about making the difficult decisions. I'm not going to mope or cry anymore, I'm going to focus. School is important, especially now. This is the hardest semester I've had so far, which makes it essential that I focus. If in a a few weeks, or months, we talk again maybe I'll be a new me, you'll be a new you. Maybe you'll fall in love again and maybe I'll be able to overcome this hurt. Since I don't know your reasons or thoughts, I'm just going to give up.
I love you with all my heart, but I know that if it's meant to be it'll happen so I'm not going to force it. No more questions, no more texts, emails, or calls.
Natalie
Hopefully nothing will set me off there. O don't want to cry all the time. Hayley and Kyndall may be used to it, but no one else is.
I worked until late last night, and I was kept busy, so that helped. Unfortunately my coworked asked me, "weren't you engaged? Where's your ring??".. FML. Since when do men notice rings? I told him no, we weren't engaged, it was a promise ring, and we broke up. I cried. In the end he gave me some good advice, but I still wish I didn't keep having people ask me about it.
Day 2 of the breakup.. I still hurt. I couldn't sleep last night. I've been crying all morning, and it's only 8. I can't believe how much this hurts. I know I need to give him space, but my first instinct is to text him every time I experience something. I didn't get a goodnight text last night, or a good morning one earlier.. I can't remember the last time that didn't happen. I can't go more than 10 minutes without thinking about something and starting to tear up. I hate how helpless this makes me feel. This had better heal fast because I don't know how long I can take feeling like this.
Well.. four years and three months and it's over. I've never been broken up with before. I can't believe how much this hurts. I had to take down half the pictures on my walls.. take shirts out of my closet, jackets too.. I had to find the boxers he left, all the small things he's given me.. jewelry. Countless things. I had to hide them. I can't look at them without crying. Hell, I can't do much of anything without crying. I hate this. I packed away the promise ring and the pearl set he gave me.. I thought I was going to wear those pearls on our wedding day. I cannot believe this happened.