This Is For Me

Actively Trying

So we are now actively trying to get pregnant and I t's so much weirder and harder than I imagined.

There are so many emotions that go through my head and heart nonstop. I'm worried I'm going to be super obsessive until I get pregnant. Like testing and thinking something of every little symptom. I'm already using an ovulation predictor just to try and get pregnant quickly.. I'm worried that I'll get either super disappointed if we go longer than one month trying or that I'll just chicken out.

It seems like I've been super emotional too. I know that's probably normal, but I just feel sort of out of control. I can't feel %100 excited for getting pregnant just because I know now that bad things can happen. My idea of pregnancy is now jaded. I know that that's how I'm going to feel for the next pregnancy, for however long it lasts. I knew that there was a possibility that it might be this way, but I'm surprised that I feel it so soon. I cry every time I see a baby commercial or I see Facebook pictures of pregnancy announcements. It makes me nervous to go back to work, as I work with new moms. I didn't really think about how difficult this could be.

I have been praying since we lost Tucker that the next pregnancy goes smoothly and we get to keep it. Now I feel like I should have been praying for myself; for less stress and more enjoyment of each step in conceiving again. I feel so overwhelmed with so many emotions regarding this journey. I can't help but just wanting to cry or scream or just curl in a ball and pray.

So I just pray that all goes well, we get pregnant easily and this first month, and that baby is healthy and we hold on to him or her until term and deliver safely. I will just keep this prayer in my mind like a mantra.

Getting closer

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 5:17 AM

So this last month has been really crazy. I had my first FNP clinical (family nurse practitioner).. It was sprung on us a week before the first person's clinical, as they were one per week for a month and a half. And just GUESS who was fist? Yours truly. :) It was crazy hectic getting ready, but it was fine and great and I am for sure this is what I want to do.

It's hard for me to deal with school sometimes. My orientation for school was supposed to be August 24th. However, on the 20th we were admitted to the hospital after the sonogram that changed our world. So since I had the most horrific induction of a stillbirth ever, and I was in the hospital for 5 days before we delivered, I missed getting to meet my fellow students and our instructors and go over things we should know. I feel like every time I'm unaware of something for school someone will inevitably say "maybe you should have come to orientation.." and I want to scream and punch them in the throat. Oh I'm sorry, I was having to give birth to my dead son. That's so much harsher than I actually feel, but I just seem to relate everything school-related with our loss. I love school, I love the thought of being more independent as a nurse. I'm just venting here because that's what I made this for... and to hide my crazy. :)

So lets talk about periods. Because that's fun. I was due for my period on the 3rd of February. That was 6 days ago. Since delivering Tucker, my periods have been a super regular 30 days. Before Tucker my periods were longer, normally about 36 days. So if for some reason my body was just readjusting, I should be having my period any day now. I freaked out and took several pregnancy tests, which were negative. Brent and I were planning on trying to get pregnant again this month, which is when ur OBGYN said we could. The 23rd of February will be the 6 month anniversary of Tucker's delivery, and that's the date he's going off of. With school, the logical time to have a baby would be during Christmas break or shortly before, that would allow for maximum No School and No Work baby time. That's when we were due with Tucker, December 19th. It's crazy to me that our loss and time we are allowed to try again line up perfectly with the best time for us to have a baby. February would obviously be a little early, but early won't hurt. I'm worried about what if we don't get pregnant right away. We conceived Tucker on the first month that we were trying, and our pregnancy went so smoothly. I can't wait to try again, but this late period is freaking me out. I have always been regular, and I'm sure it's just stress, but I'm freaked out that I'm late and I'm not pregnant. Being on TTC boards makes me worry about molar pregnancies, and early miscarriages, and I'm worried. I need it to start so I can move on. This is going to be hard enough without having to worry about a million other things going wrong OTHER than another stillbirth.

Oh gosh. So now I'm worried about that. With no period symptoms at all and a negative pregnancy test I'm completely dumbfounded. My mom is convinced I'm not pregnant and that it IS just all stress, so I'm going to go with that. I just don't want this stress to mess up the time we want to start trying to get pregnant.

Rant over.

The Cotton Anniversary

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 2:02 AM

So 1/12/15 is our second wedding anniversary! Brent and I are so in love and we cannot believe how fortunate we are to have one another. This last year has been crazy, but I'd really rather have him and go through all we've been though then go through anything better with someone else. God placed Brent in my life and I will always be thankful for him knowing what we each needed and giving us that. This new year will be full of its own ups and downs, just as last year was, but we know that with the Lord and each other we can get though anything. We are clinging to each other and our faith, which is all we need. The Lord has been good to us, even during our struggles. Brent is the most amazing husband and father, and he brightens my day by just standing beside me. He has been such a strong father this last year to Tucker. He not only has loved him every second of his brief life, but also helps me to celebrate it when I only feel sadness. He is my defender, my strength, the father of our angel son, and the leader of our small family. I know that this next year will be challenging as we again trying to add to our family, but with Brent by my side, I know we will get though it together. It's been such a joy loving and being loved for two whole years by my beautiful husband. I can't wait for 3 years!

Last night I was working, and around midnight I got this sweet message from Brent. :)

Happy cotton anniversary, babe! I'm going to sleep now, but I just wanted to let you know that the past two years have been a blast despite all the bad things in life that get us down. No matter what bad circumstances we have faced, I have been able to pull through it because God put you in my life. You give me peace, abundant joy, excitement, and a warehouse full of laughs and smiles. And perhaps my favorite thing about you is that you love me back. That's one thing that I could never buy, earn, win, or acquire by a lifetime of pursuing you, and that is what makes it such a priceless quality. Thank you for loving me! Thank you for your patience in putting up with me when I get worked up and act like a butthead. I look forward to this year because even if storm clouds roll in, you are my bright hot ball of fire hanging in the center of my heliocentric universe, and you will light me up, keep me warm, and keep me looking up until the clouds disperse. I am so blessed to be your husband. I don't remember where I bought the scratch-off that I won you with, but I certainly hit the jackpot. ;) Have a good night at work! I'm going to sleep now. See ya tomorrow... And every day after that! :D

We have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to look forward too!!

Love, Natalie

Tucker's Due Date

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 6:13 PM

Today was the day we were anxiously awaiting my sweet son! You were supposed to be here any moment. We were supposed to be trying anything we could to get you to come meet your parents. We were supposed to be all packed up and ready to rush to the hospital at any hour of the day. We were supposed to have your going home outfit picked out and your car seat installed. Your nursery all decked out and your very first stocking hung next to ours. We were supposed to have very tiny little gifts under the tree and family and friends all waiting to get "the call". We were supposed to be sharing this day with you. Maybe. Or maybe you'd be stubborn and come a few days late, as most first babies tend to do.

But that won't be us this year. You've come and gone almost 4 months ago. It's hard. This was supposed to be our first Christmas with you, but it's our first without. Today is your due date, sweet sweet son. We miss you. We are hurting so deeply that no Christmas gift can replace our sorrows and pain. We feel you today. We feel your eyes looking down and your love in our hearts and we know that you are okay, even though we don't get to have you here.

Your parents are having a bad day, Tucker. We love you, but we miss you and all the possibilities we could have had. I pray that you've found your amazing grandparents who are in heaven and they are telling you stories of your parents at Christmas-time in years past. We hope you get to sit on one or two laps that love you. That you get held and loved on and know how much we wish that that could be us holding you. Smelling your precious hair and holding your tiny hands. We love you and miss you.

Mommy and Daddy.

I feel like a terrible person.

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 10:36 AM

I feel like a terrible person. After all we've been through this year with all our losses and stressors I can still find so much to be thankful for... But I don't want to be thankful. I want to be mad. I want to cry and scream and throw a fit until my Heavenly Father gives me what I want like a spoiled child. I want my baby. This was supposed to be our first Christmas as a family WITH him. Now it's the first Christmas without.

My best friend, who got pregnant just weeks before we did, is due any day now. She is expecting a precious baby girl, and her parents are so ready for her to be here. See, their due date is tomorrow, the 6th, and our was the 19th. We were so excited to be going through pregnancy together. To be starting a long process of raising eachother's children together. But now she's going to get her baby and I'm not. I know, I know. I am GLAD she got to keep her baby. But that doesn't stop me from being completely broken that I didn't.

I cannot come to terms with all these feelings I have. They come in waves and overtake my spirit with such a ferocity that it unnerves me. I am a calm pond of serenity, with peace through Christ most of the time. Until something, some small thing like Christmas enters my mind. And I'm reminded of the first big holiday we were supposed to be together. And we won't. Then suddenly I'm in a boiling raging sea that I can barely keep afloat in. I pray and pray and try to calm down. Try to be thankful that I know we will see Tucker again. BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT! I WANT HIM IN MY TUMMY! IN MY ARMS IN A FEW WEEKS!

I am so jealous of my best friend. I feel like a terrible person. Her big swollen belly with her kicking baby inside no longer makes me flinch every time I see it, but I know that her sweet, precious, baby girl will always be a reminder to me of what I don't have. And I'll be back on that raging sea where I'm barely hanging on. It's not fair. I know it's not, and there is no way to say anything else. I just wish that these circumstances didn't make me feel like such a terrible person. I am in a constant state of asking God to give me the strength to be okay with our lives and our losses. I am constantly asking for more and more of God's grace to get me through the day. I just wish I didn't need it. That I could be a more positive person who didn't feel one second away from getting lost in that raging sea. More than anything I wish I could be that huge and blissfully happy pregnant woman you always see out and about, just waiting for her perfect baby to come, knowing that everything will be alright. I don't think I'll ever be able to be her, even if we do get pregnant again. I have been robed of a peaceful and stress-free pregnancy.

So I'll keep praying and praying that I will begin to feel a constant peace about all of this.. that maybe someday I won't be thrown into the stormy-sea that is intense grief and jealously. I will keep praying and God will keep giving me the grace to get through it.

Natalie

August 20, 2014

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 8:16 PM

On August 20th, Brent and I went in for a routine ultrasound at 22 weeks and 5 days into our pregnancy. We were stunned when we found out that baby Tucker was no longer with us. He had no heartbeat. We were sent to the hospital and induced, and on the 23rd we delivered our precious boy. How weighed in at a tiny 13 ounces and was 13 inches long! Had he kept growing at that rate he would have been a long and lean baby, taking after his Daddy. Delivery was hard, with my body wanting to hold on to our boy who wasn't due for another 3 months, but we made it though with no epidural and very little to complain about in his actual birth. We said goodbye at a memorial service on August 25th, my Dad'd birthday. He said he would willingly share his special day with his firstborn grandson.

It's been over two months now since we lost Tucker, and every day has been a struggle. He was perfect, the doctors and nurses said, it was his umbilical cord that had the problem. It was wrapped twice around his neck, which was his cause of death. All Tucker ever knew was love and warmth and peace. Brent and I are so lucky that he never knew any pain or sin, or hate. We think of him often, and now sometimes with a smile rather than tears. He will always be our first child. Our Son. God is taking care of him and showing him all the love we wish we could. We will meet again, in heaven. We cannot wait.

I'm a nurse. I know one in four pregnancies end in either miscarriage or stillbirth. Stillbirth is still the less common of those two by only accounting of one in three of those. Our Tucker was due to a Nuchal Cord accident that is still only ten percent of those... And he had a Double Nuchal Cord, which is even more rare. This was a rare and terrible accident. We have been assured that the chances of this happening again are slim to none, and that it was not caused by anything we had done. Being a white male was his highest risk factor, which is not saying anything. It could be anyone. It was us.

We are still mourning the loss of our sweet boy in our own ways and time, but we will try again. We were given a six month minimum wait time to try and conceive again, and as of now we think we will try again as soon as we are able. We are both so thankful for a firm foundation in Christ and our faith. Without it we could never be in this place of such healing and peace only months after this devastating loss. Our families, especially our moms, have been with us through everything and have also been instrumental in our healing. Our church family has also been here for us as we couldn't have thought to ask, sending prayers and meals to us at all hours of the day, aiding in our healing. We are so blessed. We are thankful for everything. For the opportunity to be Tucker's parents for his short time on earth.

Please continue to pray for us.

Natalie

!!!!

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 12:33 AM

Welllllllll. Brently's and I are going to find out the sex of the baby in 4 days!! :D We are so very excited!

So that's me!! All 18 weeks pregnant! This next picture is of our Ashmore nephew, so baby could look like him?

Orrrr it could look like our little Ashmore niece?? :)

I guess we'll find out soon enough, but to me both babies look like their Momma's, so I can't really tell what the "Ashmore" side babies look like! :o