I think I'm finally sick of being home. It's weird becuase I've been looking forward to summer break since Christmas. Summer is about halfway over, and I'm tired of it. I love being able to see Conor and hang out with him, but I also just need some "me time" which no one here is able to realize OR give me.
I bought this incredible new book, it's actually 3 books in one, and I'm so hooked on it. It's like 900 pages long and I'm loving ever y page of it! It's by the same author as the other series of books I like. :) Very exciting.
I'm kinda in a weird depressed mood today. I'm supposed to go over to Con's house at 10:00.. I know what he wants, but I'm not really that INTO it. IDK. I really don't know what I'm feeling or why I'm in such a weird mood. Anyways, if I'm going to go to his house in 30 mins I should probably start getting ready.
LAter.
This summer has been kinda lame so far. I'm working and hanging out with Conor a lot, which is good, but nothing to brag about.. What's really sad is that the MOST exciting thing I've done so far is to go to my Gynecologist. HAHAHA!
Last Friday, for the first time in my life, I went and had a "women's health exam". Ugh. It was terrible. I'm not going to lie, it was one of the most awful things I've ever done on purpose to myself. =/ The good news is, though, that I'm getting on BC! It's going to last for up to 3 years. :) Boy, will that take a load off my back.. I'm glad we're finally getting around to this.
Today has been pretty weird too. All of my plans fell though and I ended up staying home all day. I'm in a bad mood because everything just went wrong. Not fun. So, now I'm watching Alien and eating SourPatch Kids. :) I'm not sure I'm going to be able to stick though this movie though.. I hate scary movies. I'll probably change it soon. =/
Well, I'm gonna get back to that. Later.
Nat.
All of the ties I have with MacArthur High School are now severed. My sister and boyfriend have officially graduated. While it makes me VERY happy to say that I no longer am dating a High-Schooler, I'm sort of sad! I loved going back and eating lunch there, seeing people I've known for years, catching up with a few teachers, and reminiscing about my years spent there.
As the week has flown by I've seen new sides of Conor and Bethany. They are, just as I was last year, itching to be out and on their own. They feel the need to go far away and do great things with their lives. While I'm very excited for Bethany, and hope she does everything she wants, I'm torn about Conor. He's my best friend, and I don't want him running off with out me. I've listened to him talk about College and going away, but I never really thought about it.
I'm sure that he must have had the same worries and fears, that I'm having now, a year ago. When I graduated, I knew that I would be leaving for school, and I wanted to experience everything I could when I went away. While I admit that I thought about some very very stupid things, but one thing I seriously considered was He and I's relationship. I wondered if, after I moved away, maybe things would just fizzle out and die. Maybe being away would ruin everything. Maybe I didn't even want to be dating someone when I was so far away.. In the end, I decided I would just wait and see how things went. I never let him know my doubts or fears, and that's what worries me now.
He is such an amazing person. He truly cares about every single person he meets. He will take the time to teach you something you don't know, to explain anything you don't understand, talk about any differences you have, or comfort you when that time comes. He is a wonderful boy.. But he isn't really, because he is now a Man. Conor may be my person of choice, but I think it's stupid to think that he won't have doubts this year.. consider dating other people, or maybe just breaking things off. Last year we had all the reasons in line, we had plans, we had a schedule, we had weekends.
This year will be different. We will be father away from each other, both with highly filled schedules, and not a lot of free time. While I will have an apartment that will always be welcome to him, it will be four hours away. I'm not sure how much that will limit our time spent together, but I have a feeling it will change things. Last year he was my rock. He kept me grounded and focused on the here and now. Our feelings right at that exact moment. He didn't worry about the future, he just loved me.
Now my concern is, am I strong enough to do the same for him? Can I be his rock when my life is still so upside down? Will I be better, prettier, smarter, more likeable than the girls he will meet at school? How can I know? None of this is going to be easy. I know how great of a person he is, and others will surely see it.. How can I fight off what I don't know?
I want more than anything for him to be happy. I want him to succeed, I want him to experience college to the fullest degree he wishes... I just wonder if I'm good enough to keep. Maybe we were only meant to be High School Sweethearts. Maybe this summer is the last one we will have. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
I'm going to try and focus on the good, try to reassure myself that I'm what he wants. Try and tell myself our love is strong enough. If we've lasted two and half years we can make it through one more. Hopefully. I wish I knew what was coming, maybe then I would feel so insecure. I love him more than I've ever thought was possible. That seems silly, but I know my heart and I know his. That won't stop my worries though. We've got a long road ahead of us, and we both know it.
Hmm, so things have definatly been on the up side here recently. With all the mess that came up about Con and I sleeping together, it all brought us closer.. in a weird way. My parents no longer wait up on me, and my Mom's scheduled me a Dr. appointment for BC! Conor and I are fabulous. I feel like this is what we've needed.. just to Be Together. We spend all of our free time with each other. No matter what we've got planned or what we feel like doing, we're together. :) I'll read and he'll practice. He'll play a game and I'll knit.. whatever. It's all so perfect right now. I love him more than I ever have. We are so perfect together. I know this is going to be an amazing summer for both of us.
He has State Solo's in both Alto Sax and Bassoon on Saturday.. I have to work, so I won't be there when he gets back from Austin. That kind of stinks, but hey, at least I'll have been productive! Saturday is my first day back at the Deaux! LOL. Well, my first real day back. I had a "mock plate" shift yesterday.. these new people I don't know kept telling me what to do. It was funny because I've been working there for a year and a half next month. Lame-o's. I hope they feel stupid come saturday. (And I hope that everything comes back to me!)
Well, it's kinda late, and Lord knows I'm going to be up late tomorrow night, so I'd better get to bed!
Natalie.
That day when my parents came wasn't bad at all. We all ignored it. But when I got home the next day, Mom and I had our talk. Everything went really well, all things considered. So since then, Con and I have been really careful and considerate when we are in my house. It was really important to me that we show my parents respect for how they are dealing with this situation, so I keep making Con keep his hands to himself while we are in the house.
So I guess that brings us to tonight. I've been painting my room for the last few days, and it's almost all done. Well, Con hasn't really hung out with me in a while because of it, so he decided to come over while I was painting flowers on the border for the accent wall. Every time I went to sit by him, he was getting really "touchy". I kept trying to be polite about stopping him, and he would get frustrated and pout. It was getting very annoying. Well, when it came time for him to leave, I had decided it would be best for me just to stay inside and not go out to his car. Well, he guilted me into going out, even though I knew he just wanted to have sex in his car. So we went out, and proceeded to do such, when all of a sudden he stops. I freak out and ask him "WHAT?" and he tells me that my house door is OPEN! At this point, he isn't moving off of me, and I shove him off. He "hmphs" like he's MAD AT ME! I can freaking see my house porch light being flashed on and off, while a head is in the top window of the door, and he's mad that I want to put my clothes on as quickly as possible!?!? I'm shaking I'm so scared. I know that my mom is asleep, so that MUST be my Father! Conor, meanwhile, is just mad we stopped having sex, and we're not going to FINISH.
Right now I'm so mad I can hardly breathe. I rush to put all my clothes on and run straight into the house to the bathroom and lock the door. I wait in there for about 30 mins, not doing anything, then rush to my room, where I shut and lock the door again. Now I'm just in here, not sure what's going to happen tomorrow, or how I'm going to look my father in the eyes tomorrow. I can't believe that I felt GUILTY about not wanting to have sex! I'm never ever going to feel guilty about that again. I knew that it wasn't something we should be doing.. it was so disrespectful. I just let myself be guilted into it, and look where it got me.
Of course, Conor sent me a text later saying "I'm sorry, it's all my fault. It will only happen when you REALLY want it to, Natalie. I'm sorry I made you feel bad so you came out to the car." Blah blah blah. He apologizes, but he never learns. But it's just as much my fault as his. I can't believe I was so stupid. I'm really mad at him, I can't even deny it.
This really stinks.
So a few days back, my boyfriend and I were talking about maybe going on a vacation together. We thought the idea seemed like fun, but, as we are both still teenagers and must cope with our parents and their consequences. So, I decided to get my sister to help seed the idea into my parents' heads and get their opinions. Seemed like a good idea. Anyways, it turned into my Mom JUST NOW finding out that he and I are having sex.. I thought I had made this pretty clear in a previous talk we had. Weeelll, needless to say, I'm now stuck with the fact that she's coming up here, with my day, either tomorrow or the next day to help me move.. AWKWARD. I don't want it to be, but how could it NOT be?? She told my sister she was "disappointed" and that she wants to talk with my boyfriend and I. I just hope everything goes well. :)
Funny thing, though. Con told me "I guess this is what it must feel like to be Gay.. NATALIE! We're coming out of the Virgin Closet!!" Hahahaha. :) Made my evening.
Well, I still have two finals left to study for, so I had better get back to studying! Organic CHemistry and Old Testament! Whoo Hoo! x_x
Natalie
I'm so frustrated right now it's unbelievable. I'm crying about CLASSES! This is not funny.
All I'm trying to do is take 2 classes over the summer at a community college. After jumping though all the hoops on Hardin-Simmons' end, I'm now forced to deal with Northlake people! I keep getting put on hold, or told to call someone else, or being disconnected! Now they are saying that I need certain prerequisites to take the Microbiology class I want to take.. prerequisites that are NOT required for me to take it here at HSU.. I can get that wavered IF I can get a dean to talk to me and show him my transcript.. IF I COULD GET AHOLD OF THAT PERSON! And oh yeah, they only offer Micro at El Centro, so I would be taking one class in DOWNTOWN FREAKING DALLAS and another one in Irving... I'm so upset. Everyone keeps telling me different things. I don't know who to believe or what to do!
So, after a week of getting signatures and checking to make sure these classes will work for HSU, which I thought was ridiculous, I'm now forced to do that AND MORE for Northlake's end!! I was upset, feeling overwhelmed, and lost, so I called my mom... What does she do? She yells at me "What do YOU want?!?" and so I explain. She then tells me, "Well, I don't know either!!" So I hang up, and burst into tears. I had been on the phone for almost 2 hours trying to get all this figured out and she won't even TRY to help me.
So, after all this work, I think I'm just not going to take classes this summer. I'll just work. I'm so upset right now. I can't believe how much time I've wasted on this. I feel emotionally drained. It's not fair. I hate this. I hate it.
I'm about to eat a snickers bar, turn on the tv, and crawl into bed. Who knows if I'll come out for class tomorrow... I'm really not in the mood for ANYTHING.
Natalie.