Peace of Mind

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 3:00 AM


So I've been working really hard to be okay with ebeything that is currently going on with my cycles.. It's not easy, but I need to deal with it, because it doesn't look like this is going to be a walk in the park. 

I'm so frustrated that it's been 6 months and we haven't got pregnant yet. My cue is currently on day 64.. And I only ovulated 3 days ago.. That's not normal by any means. I'm just hoping that I have ovulated and my period will be here soon because IF we did O 3 days ago, our timing was terrible. So let's just move along and try again. 

School is starting to get fun though! I'm loving NP classes and super excited clinicals start in a month!! I THINK I may have found a doctor to follow who does family practice and OB! That would be amazing! The only downside is that her practice is in a different town that's 40 mins away. Oh well! I just hope I'll be able to get in with her and see some stuff! 

 

So over this

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 8:59 PM

I'm so emotionally done with everything. I'm pretty sure my period is about to start, even though it shouldn't for another 5 days. I started spotting yesterday and this evening it happened again. I'm heartbroken and confused and feel like a failure. I don't understand why we got pregnant so easily the first time but now we can't. I don't want Tucker to be my only child. Please Lord don't make him my only baby. I want to have children of my own. I want to be pregnant. I loved being pregnant. I don't understand why this happening. Dear Lord please let me have a live baby. I don't know what else to do. I just feel so lost since we lost Tucker and now we can't even get pregnant again to try to move on! I can't stand this. I want a child! I want Brent's child. 

 

The waiting game.

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 3:13 PM

Well today begins the waiting game for me. 


Officially I think that I O'd yesterday? Maybe the day before. So our waiting game has begun. It's been a rough month for us. Both our emotions are all over the place, and it only seems fitting because we are both so desperate for some good news/ something to look forward to. 

I really have a good feeling about this time. We timed it all well, and we can only hope! Poor us. Sex will probably be off the table for a few days while we recoup after that crazy sexcapade that has been the last week and a half. Haha. We were laughing last night thinking about how things change.. Once you experience a loss of a pregnancy or the loss of a child sex changes. It changes because the root of sex is still to make babies, and once you've seen the dirty side of that sex can never been so carefree. But it can be hopeful. And as much as we dread the loss of another baby, we can still hope to bring home a child. And that hope makes us giddy with happiness.. Even if our bits feel like they've been rung through the ringer over the course of the last few days. We are once again cautiously optimistic. And so now the two week wait begins! 

So for now say a prayer for us! 

Love, Nat. 

 

Today I am

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 4:01 PM

upset. I'm upset because everywhere I look people are moving forward with their lives and we are not. I'm upset because babies who were born when Tucker should have been are 3 months old now. I'm upset because everywhere I look there are babies. There are pregnancies. There is happiness. 


I'm not saying that I am not happy. Mostly. I'm saying that this is hard. Every time I think I have begun to heal and am ready for the next chapter I realize I'm not. I don't think that I will ever be. As I'm sitting here I am beginning to feel the typical cramps feeling I get before my period starts. It started last night and I just want it to begin already. I'm sick of waking up every morning and peeing on a pregnancy test only to see that it's negative and I'm not carrying another child. I know that this must sound incredibly weak to couples who have been trying for year to conceive, but it's how I feel. I haven't even finished our first cycle of trying and I'm already so disappointed and hopeless. This is awful. I feel as if I'm a failure, as if it was a fluke I got pregnant the first time... That maybe we will never get pregnant again. I know I know that this is silly. It is unrealistic to think that we would get pregnant the first time trying again. But it happened last time. Last time everything was easy, it was carefree - until it wasn't. This time I have a feeling every second is going to be a struggle. Every moment will be a battle of wills and patience and prayer and above all - faith. Why then, if I know it's going to be hard do I feel so overwhelmed with how awful it is? I am struggling. I am disappointed and emotional and almost ready to give up. And it hasn't even been one whole cycle. 

How can I do this for months more? When will it be enough? When will we finally conceive and carry a child to term that survives and we get to take home? How long? How many more tears do I have to shead? How many more gut wrenching photos must I see? How many more pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, shower invitations, or birthday parties must I witness without having some of my own? Will it ever come? Will I ever get to look at any of those things and not get sad and jealous and downtrodden? I can't imagine it. I don't think I can go back to being so hopefull and excited. For as long as I live I will never associate a pregnancy with a baby. I will always associate it with dread. With anxiety and fear. I have been robbed of hope for myself and for others. I can no longer even look at a pregnancy announcement without feeling dread for the parents. Part of me wants to hope, but the larger part wants to protect my heart. 

I am in a weird place. I truly believed that once we were able to try again I would be given purpose and that it would help. I thought it would make me feel as if we were working towards the goal of a family, however now it just feels like we are fighting a losing battle. Like we are ignoring the inevitable truth that we are not meant to have our own family. It goes against what I feel, what I felt, in my heart when we got married. It is so terrible to think that your personal choices may be taken from you without your consent. We may never get to have a family of our own, even though we wanted a family with four children. I know we have time. This is the first cycle. But it is crazy to me how utterly hopeless we feel at this point when I thought having a goal would help. I'm at a loss. Grief has changed me from a sure woman who knew what was ahead of her to a woman who only knows how to guard her heart. 

I just pray that God will help heal my heart and my mind. That He will help us to overcome this awful place we are in. That He gives us strength and patience and love. That He fuels our passion for life and each other and keeps us going. Maybe one day we will get to have our family, it just seems like it's so far away. 

For now, I hope and pray He can help me feel a little less upset and a lot more thankful. 

 

Little did I know..

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 10:01 PM

.. how accurate I was last post. 


I am a wreck. We used the ovulation predictor kit but it messed up and I think we missed it for this month. I have been using the HPT's (home pregnancy tests) and am getting something that could be an error. I'm resigning myself to being okay with not getting pregnant this month, but it's proving to be difficult. 

I'm lucky that Brent doesn't think I'm crazy. He understands how hard this is for me. At first I tried to hide how obsessive I was being, because I thought  it would freak him out. Tonight he told me that while it's a little different for him, he's still just as anxious to get pregnant again. He said all my emotions and fears and anxieties are understandable, and to some extent he feels the same way. It was such a relief to hear him say that. I still feel as if I'm being too obsessive, but I also know it just goes with the territory. 

On top of all the trying to get pregnant stuff, it's been hard being positive and not letting Tucker get lost in all this, so tonight we did some things to help remember him around our house. We bought a picture frame that's made for sonogram pictures and it says Our Little Miracle on it. It's perfect. Tucker touched our hearts in ways that would have never been possible if he lived. He's given us so much to thankful for and to remember. He is our little miracle even if we didn't get to keep him. We also bought a little angel lovey. I think we'll keep it in the nursery of our future children just to remember him. 

Anyways, I'm going to go read now. Goodnight. 

 

Actively Trying

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 1:06 PM

So we are now actively trying to get pregnant and I t's so much weirder and harder than I imagined.


There are so many emotions that go through my head and heart nonstop. I'm worried I'm going to be super obsessive until I get pregnant. Like testing and thinking something of every little symptom. I'm already using an ovulation predictor just to try and get pregnant quickly.. I'm worried that I'll get either super disappointed if we go longer than one month trying or that I'll just chicken out. 

It seems like I've been super emotional too. I know that's probably normal, but I just feel sort of out of control. I can't feel %100 excited for getting pregnant just because I know now that bad things can happen. My idea of pregnancy is now jaded. I know that that's how I'm going to feel for the next pregnancy, for however long it lasts. I knew that there was a possibility that it might be this way, but I'm surprised that I feel it so soon. I cry every time I see a baby commercial or I see Facebook pictures of pregnancy announcements. It makes me nervous to go back to work, as I work with new moms. I didn't really think about how difficult this could be. 

I have been praying since we lost Tucker that the next pregnancy goes smoothly and we get to keep it. Now I feel like I should have been praying for myself; for less stress and more enjoyment of each step in conceiving again. I feel so overwhelmed with so many emotions regarding this journey. I can't help but just wanting to cry or scream or just curl in a ball and pray. 

So I just pray that all goes well, we get pregnant easily and this first month, and that baby is healthy and we hold on to him or her until term and deliver safely. I will just keep this prayer in my mind like a mantra. 

 

Getting closer

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 5:17 AM

So this last month has been really crazy. I had my first FNP clinical (family nurse practitioner).. It was sprung on us a week before the first person's clinical, as they were one per week for a month and a half. And just GUESS who was fist? Yours truly. :) It was crazy hectic getting ready, but it was fine and great and I am for sure this is what I want to do.

It's hard for me to deal with school sometimes. My orientation for school was supposed to be August 24th. However, on the 20th we were admitted to the hospital after the sonogram that changed our world. So since I had the most horrific induction of a stillbirth ever, and I was in the hospital for 5 days before we delivered, I missed getting to meet my fellow students and our instructors and go over things we should know. I feel like every time I'm unaware of something for school someone will inevitably say "maybe you should have come to orientation.." and I want to scream and punch them in the throat. Oh I'm sorry, I was having to give birth to my dead son. That's so much harsher than I actually feel, but I just seem to relate everything school-related with our loss. I love school, I love the thought of being more independent as a nurse. I'm just venting here because that's what I made this for... and to hide my crazy. :)

So lets talk about periods. Because that's fun. I was due for my period on the 3rd of February. That was 6 days ago. Since delivering Tucker, my periods have been a super regular 30 days. Before Tucker my periods were longer, normally about 36 days. So if for some reason my body was just readjusting, I should be having my period any day now. I freaked out and took several pregnancy tests, which were negative. Brent and I were planning on trying to get pregnant again this month, which is when ur OBGYN said we could. The 23rd of February will be the 6 month anniversary of Tucker's delivery, and that's the date he's going off of. With school, the logical time to have a baby would be during Christmas break or shortly before, that would allow for maximum No School and No Work baby time. That's when we were due with Tucker, December 19th. It's crazy to me that our loss and time we are allowed to try again line up perfectly with the best time for us to have a baby. February would obviously be a little early, but early won't hurt. I'm worried about what if we don't get pregnant right away. We conceived Tucker on the first month that we were trying, and our pregnancy went so smoothly. I can't wait to try again, but this late period is freaking me out. I have always been regular, and I'm sure it's just stress, but I'm freaked out that I'm late and I'm not pregnant. Being on TTC boards makes me worry about molar pregnancies, and early miscarriages, and I'm worried. I need it to start so I can move on. This is going to be hard enough without having to worry about a million other things going wrong OTHER than another stillbirth.

Oh gosh. So now I'm worried about that. With no period symptoms at all and a negative pregnancy test I'm completely dumbfounded. My mom is convinced I'm not pregnant and that it IS just all stress, so I'm going to go with that. I just don't want this stress to mess up the time we want to start trying to get pregnant.


Rant over.

 

The Cotton Anniversary

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 2:02 AM

So 1/12/15 is our second wedding anniversary! Brent and I are so in love and we cannot believe how fortunate we are to have one another. This last year has been crazy, but I'd really rather have him and go through all we've been though then go through anything better with someone else. God placed Brent in my life and I will always be thankful for him knowing what we each needed and giving us that. This new year will be full of its own ups and downs, just as last year was, but we know that with the Lord and each other we can get though anything. We are clinging to each other and our faith, which is all we need. The Lord has been good to us, even during our struggles. Brent is the most amazing husband and father, and he brightens my day by just standing beside me. He has been such a strong father this last year to Tucker. He not only has loved him every second of his brief life, but also helps me to celebrate it when I only feel sadness. He is my defender, my strength, the father of our angel son, and the leader of our small family. I know that this next year will be challenging as we again trying to add to our family, but with Brent by my side, I know we will get though it together. It's been such a joy loving and being loved for two whole years by my beautiful husband. I can't wait for 3 years! 

Last night I was working, and around midnight I got this sweet message from Brent. :)

Happy cotton anniversary, babe! I'm going to sleep now, but I just wanted to let you know that the past two years have been a blast despite all the bad things in life that get us down. No matter what bad circumstances we have faced, I have been able to pull through it because God put you in my life. You give me peace, abundant joy, excitement, and a warehouse full of laughs and smiles. And perhaps my favorite thing about you is that you love me back. That's one thing that I could never buy, earn, win, or acquire by a lifetime of pursuing you, and that is what makes it such a priceless quality. Thank you for loving me! Thank you for your patience in putting up with me when I get worked up and act like a butthead. I look forward to this year because even if storm clouds roll in, you are my bright hot ball of fire hanging in the center of my heliocentric universe, and you will light me up, keep me warm, and keep me looking up until the clouds disperse. I am so blessed to be your husband. I don't remember where I bought the scratch-off that I won you with, but I certainly hit the jackpot. ;) Have a good night at work! I'm going to sleep now. See ya tomorrow... And every day after that! :D


We have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to look forward too!!

Love, Natalie

 

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