Tucker's Due Date

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 6:13 PM

Today was the day we were anxiously awaiting my sweet son! You were supposed to be here any moment. We were supposed to be trying anything we could to get you to come meet your parents. We were supposed to be all packed up and ready to rush to the hospital at any hour of the day. We were supposed to have your going home outfit picked out and your car seat installed. Your nursery all decked out and your very first stocking hung next to ours. We were supposed to have very tiny little gifts under the tree and family and friends all waiting to get "the call". We were supposed to be sharing this day with you. Maybe. Or maybe you'd be stubborn and come a few days late, as most first babies tend to do. 



But that won't be us this year. You've come and gone almost 4 months ago. It's hard. This was supposed to be our first Christmas with you, but it's our first without. Today is your due date, sweet sweet son. We miss you. We are hurting so deeply that no Christmas gift can replace our sorrows and pain. We feel you today. We feel your eyes looking down and your love in our hearts and we know that you are okay, even though we don't get to have you here. 

Your parents are having a bad day, Tucker. We love you, but we miss you and all the possibilities we could have had. I pray that you've found your amazing grandparents who are in heaven and they are telling you stories of your parents at Christmas-time in years past. We hope you get to sit on one or two laps that love you. That you get held and loved on and know how much we wish that that could be us holding you. Smelling your precious hair and holding your tiny hands. We love you and miss you. 


Mommy and Daddy. 

 

I feel like a terrible person.

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 10:36 AM

I feel like a terrible person. After all we've been through this year with all our losses and stressors I can still find so much to be thankful for... But I don't want to be thankful. I want to be mad. I want to cry and scream and throw a fit until my Heavenly Father gives me what I want like a spoiled child. I want my baby. This was supposed to be our first Christmas as a family WITH him. Now it's the first Christmas without.

My best friend, who got pregnant just weeks before we did, is due any day now. She is expecting a precious baby girl, and her parents are so ready for her to be here. See, their due date is tomorrow, the 6th, and our was the 19th. We were so excited to be going through pregnancy together. To be starting a long process of raising eachother's children together. But now she's going to get her baby and I'm not. I know, I know. I am GLAD she got to keep her baby. But that doesn't stop me from being completely broken that I didn't.

I cannot come to terms with all these feelings I have. They come in waves and overtake my spirit with such a ferocity that it unnerves me. I am a calm pond of serenity, with peace through Christ most of the time. Until something, some small thing like Christmas enters my mind. And I'm reminded of the first big holiday we were supposed to be together. And we won't. Then suddenly I'm in a boiling raging sea that I can barely keep afloat in. I pray and pray and try to calm down. Try to be thankful that I know we will see Tucker again. BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT! I WANT HIM IN MY TUMMY! IN MY ARMS IN A FEW WEEKS!

I am so jealous of my best friend. I feel like a terrible person. Her big swollen belly with her kicking baby inside no longer makes me flinch every time I see it, but I know that her sweet, precious, baby girl will always be a reminder to me of what I don't have. And I'll be back on that raging sea where I'm barely hanging on. It's not fair. I know it's not, and there is no way to say anything else. I just wish that these circumstances didn't make me feel like such a terrible person. I am in a constant state of asking God to give me the strength to be okay with our lives and our losses. I am constantly asking for more and more of God's grace to get me through the day. I just wish I didn't need it. That I could be a more positive person who didn't feel one second away from getting lost in that raging sea. More than anything I wish I could be that huge and blissfully happy pregnant woman you always see out and about, just waiting for her perfect baby to come, knowing that everything will be alright. I don't think I'll ever be able to be her, even if we do get pregnant again. I have been robed of a peaceful and stress-free pregnancy.

So I'll keep praying and praying that I will begin to feel a constant peace about all of this.. that maybe someday I won't be thrown into the stormy-sea that is intense grief and jealously. I will keep praying and God will keep giving me the grace to get through it.

Natalie

 

August 20, 2014

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 8:16 PM

On August 20th, Brent and I went in for a routine ultrasound at 22 weeks and 5 days into our pregnancy. We were stunned when we found out that baby Tucker was no longer with us. He had no heartbeat. We were sent to the hospital and induced, and on the 23rd we delivered our precious boy. How weighed in at a tiny 13 ounces and was 13 inches long! Had he kept growing at that rate he would have been a long and lean baby, taking after his Daddy. Delivery was hard, with my body wanting to hold on to our boy who wasn't due for another 3 months, but we made it though with no epidural and very little to complain about in his actual birth. We said goodbye at a memorial service on August 25th, my Dad'd birthday. He said he would willingly share his special day with his firstborn grandson. 


It's been over two months now since we lost Tucker, and every day has been a struggle. He was perfect, the doctors and nurses said, it was his umbilical cord that had the problem. It was wrapped twice around his neck, which was his cause of death. All Tucker ever knew was love and warmth and peace. Brent and I are so lucky that he never knew any pain or sin, or hate. We think of him often, and now sometimes with a smile rather than tears. He will always be our first child. Our Son. God is taking care of him and showing him all the love we wish we could. We will meet again, in heaven. We cannot wait. 

I'm a nurse. I know one in four pregnancies end in either miscarriage or stillbirth. Stillbirth is still the less common of those two by only accounting of one in three of those. Our Tucker was due to a Nuchal Cord accident that is still only ten percent of those... And he had a Double Nuchal Cord, which is even more rare. This was a rare and terrible accident. We have been assured that the chances of this happening again are slim to none, and that it was not caused by anything we had done. Being a white male was his highest risk factor, which is not saying anything. It could be anyone. It was us. 

We are still mourning the loss of our sweet boy in our own ways and time, but we will try again. We were given a six month minimum wait time to try and conceive again, and as of now we think we will try again as soon as we are able. We are both so thankful for a firm foundation in Christ and our faith. Without it we could never be in this place of such healing and peace only months after this devastating loss. Our families, especially our moms, have been with us through everything and have also been instrumental in our healing. Our church family has also been here for us as we couldn't have thought to ask, sending prayers and meals to us at all hours of the day, aiding in our healing. We are so blessed. We are thankful for everything. For the opportunity to be Tucker's parents for his short time on earth. 



Please continue to pray for us. 

Natalie 

 

!!!!

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 12:33 AM

Welllllllll. Brently's and I are going to find out the sex of the baby in 4 days!! :D We are so very excited! 

 So that's me!! All 18 weeks pregnant! This next picture is of our Ashmore nephew, so baby could look like him?
Orrrr it could look like our little Ashmore niece?? :)

I guess we'll find out soon enough, but to me both babies look like their Momma's, so I can't really tell what the "Ashmore" side babies look like! :o


Love, Natalie


 

Ups and Downs

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 5:40 PM

This last month has been so full of ups and downs it's unbelievable. I really can't imagine how I'm even functioning after all the stress I've been under! So. I'm going to make a list of Downs followed by a list of Ups, and maybe in the end it'll help me feel a little more thankful and a little less annoyed. Here goes. 


Downs
1. AC breaking at the new house
2. The wall not being finished at the new house
3. Hailstorm from hell, which totaled my paid-off car. 
4. STILL WITH THE NAUSEA! 
5. Brother and sister in law still not talking to us, nor telling us the sex of the baby - even when they told everyone else
6. My OBGYN telling us BY MAIL that they are switching to a different hospital that does not take our insurance - effectively making us find a new doctor 4 months into this pregnancy
7. My preceptee making a HUGE med error the ONE time I've left the floor while he was doing med pass (2 days before he was finished with orientation!)
8. Brent and I fighting a TON over unpacking the house. 

All of these things have happened so fast together that I'm really not sure, like I said, how I'm still emotionally stable. It's HARD dealing with so many things going wrong at the same time.. I didn't even list all the fun little joys of homeownership, like our refrigerator leaking water all night so we woke up with a lake in our kitchen. Those things seem insignificant when I'm talking about things on this much larger scale. I'm at my wits end. Things need to start looking up ASAP. I guess I do have some good things to list though!

Ups
1. I'm in the second trimester now!
2. We are getting much more than I thought we would for totaling my car, so maybe we can buy one outright?
3. I finished cleaning the duplex today, so we are done with renting. 
4. We find out the sex of the baby next month!
5. We have a home warranty, so the ad only cost us $60
6. At least I know how to combat the nausea?! 

It's not easy. All this is really hard and I'm trying to figure it out by myself. Marriage is hard. Pregnancy is hard. Buying a new house is hard, and so is dealing with the unexpected. I cannot tell you how much all of this happening together is stressing me out. Is stressing my marriage out. I'm exhausted because it all is happening at once, and I didn't realize just how much it was worrying me. I need to take a few steps back and examine how lucky I am. I need to see how much we have accomplished. All of these things that are my downs I have to take in stride. They can all be managed and fixed, it just takes time. Killing myself over doing everything at once will not help me. Or Brent. We need to calmly face them one by one and tackle this as a team. That's the only way it will get done period. And the less stress the better. 

So for now, I'll just go try to organize my life and the things making it hard right now. I will cry, and think, and make plans. I will make my goals become realities and turn my Downs into Ups. Or at least I'll try. 

Nat

 

More fun!

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 8:02 PM

So many fun things are happening! We have officially got the house! We'll sign on it and get the keys Monday morning! Then that afternoon I have my second prenatal visit and we'll pay off the doctor's bills of having a baby! :D I'm almost done with my first trimester!! :) Brent has graduated and I gave him the gift of a fancy suit. :) We are able to pick that up Monday as well! 


Monday will be a very busy day!! I also have completed my application to graduate school and hopefully will be starting in the fall! Bren is getting a little time off from job searching due to us having to move and me not being able to help move the heavy stuff... So I preferred that we got settled into the new house before he starts trying, that way it'll be a little less stressful! 

It's going to be such a great year for us! Oh yeah! Estimated due date is December 19, 2014!! :) Our precious little baby!! :D Ahhhhh!!! 

Love always

 

Ch ch ch changes!!

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 9:54 PM

Well, a lot has happened since I last posted.. Some very big changes are in the making! :) I found 4 days ago that I'm pregnant!! :D Brent and I are overjoyed! We have wanted to start trying and it's happened so soon! We were both shocked, excited, and amazed that this precious gift has been given to us! We are very early on in the whole thing, maybe 4-5 weeks along, but so excited! We have begun to tell family and friends and could not be happier! This little one will be due either the end of December or beginning of January, I'm not sure which just yet! :) Brent has just got the best graduation gift he could ever ask for! And I've been given the gift of life! :D I still can't believe that someone is growing inside of me! OUR BABY!  


Anyways. That's THE change! And it's a great one!

Love, Natalie 

 

Amazing Grace , please let me have some.

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 12:21 AM

Today we laid my Papa Ray to rest. He went suddenly, and unexpectedly, in his sleep. 


Now, I have never had a great relationship with him, nor have anyone in my immediate family since he remarried. His new wife preferred to keep her own children and grandchildren separate from his own. So we rarely met, and barely knew one another. Today, and the few days leading up the burial, made that all the more painfully awkward. See, to my step cousins Papa Ray was a father figure and a man to lean on in times of need. He had the strength and selflessness they needed. But to me and my family all he ever was was Absent. It has been painful realizing how little my father has seen his own father since he remarried. My father was shaped by this man to be the same selfless, strong, caring, and gentle man he is... And he was forcibly estranged by him due to his father remarrying and acquiring a new wife , children, and grandchildren. So today, sitting in the funeral listening to all the traits that were spoken of and revered, all I heard were reasons why they couldn't visit, why they had to see other family, why they were not available.. And all I could think about was my personal resentment of the new wife and how much I missed out on seeing my Papa Ray. That and anger. Then I glanced up and saw my father crying. I mean sobbing. And my mother comforting him. I broke down. Not for my absentee grandfather, but for my father's absentee father. When he remarried two years after my grandmother passed from cancer, I can only imagine the hurt my father felt. But then to see his father move away from the life he made for himself, not to mention his deceased wife and two sons, to take care of a new family, must have broke his heart. So today at the funeral I wept and wept hard. For the family that could have been. For my precious father. For him and his precious father he had lost over 20 years ago. I don't think anything can hurt as feeling unloved by your own family. 

So today we loved on our father. And prayed for Amazing Grace that we could see past the hurt and appreciate the man that made and raised my amazing Father. I will never know the whole situation, and maybe the hurt will decrease as I get older, but for now I just pray for Grace to get through this. For my father to get through this. For those that my Papa Ray loved, and those that loved him even from afar. 

 

The Paper Anniversary

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 7:25 PM

One year into our wonderful marriage! I cannot believe it! We are so happy and in love and all the other cliches that go along with newly weds! In my wildest dreams I imagined feeling loved like this, and now my dreams have come true. I am truly blessed. 


My work is busy, exciting, and altogether what I expected AND what I did not. Marriage is the same! As far as working goes though, I am fully confident and capable in myself. I am even applying to go back to school to be a nurse practitioner! I cannot wait! It'll be good for our future, and I think that's what my calling has always been, but we'll see. For now though, Neurology is my home and I love it, no matter how crazy the crazies get! 

Brent graduates this May with his bachelors and then he'll start working as well. We are entering the most fun time in our lives! On top of that we have decided to start trying to make our own family! This will come at a perfect time, as our two sister in laws on Brent's side are already expecting! How much fun will that be growing up with cousins all the same ages? We  are both excited and nervous at the same time (as probably anyone in our place would be). We are also saving for a house, possibly making this town our home for quite a while. If all goes according to plan, in two years I will graduate with my masters in family nurse practitioner and I will also be free of my four year contract with the hospital that is paying off my bachelors loans! Then it will be a new start with only my masters degree loans to pay off! It's a very exciting time indeed! 

:) Natalie

 

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