And another day of mourning.

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 10:54 AM

Today is the day we buried Tucker. Again, it's like everything happened all over again. I remember who came and who spoke at the funeral.. I remember having to look at all the things our family picked out because We couldn't bear to really do it. It is my dad's Birthday. I clearly remember when we were discussing which day the funeral would be on, I wanted it as soon as possible, and he said "I would be honored to share my birthday with my first grandson". And that was that. He knew we wanted it to happen quickly, and his birthday was only 2 days after Tucker's.. So the 25th it was. 


It was such an exhausting day.. Having to get dressed and ready. I think it was the first shower I took since the day we found out he was gone. I remember nothing fit right and I looked like a mess. I  wished that I was being buried and not Tucker. I hated every single moment of holding in all the tears and sadness to "be strong". I got home and cried for the rest of the day. I think later in the day my parents and Brent began to take apart the nursery. I didn't want it all fixed and ready with no baby to put in there. The we closed the door and didn't open it for 6 months. 

I think we actually went in the nursery on his due date, December 19th. I looked at the pictures they took and started writing in his baby book. 

Maybe I should do that today. Update his baby book with his new sibling and write him a letter. Maybe. 

 

Happy 2nd Birthday in heaven, sweet son

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 10:45 AM

Today is Tucker's 2nd birthday. I know it's silly to think of it as his birthday, but it puts the day in as a normal celebration for any child. Only my son's in heaven.


I haven't posted here in a long time - since right before we got pregnant, actually. Tucker's little brother was born 3 months ago, and he's been a huge blessing to us. I didn't really know how having my rainbow would affect today... How I would feel, would it make the anniversary of Tucker's death a little less hard since I have a baby in my arms? The answer is I don't know. 

Tucker is our first son. We WANTED him SO BADLY. He can never ever be replaced. The aching in my arms to hold him, to see him grow, has not gone away. If anything, seeing how much I enjoy his brother makes me wish even harder that I had Tucker too. But, the loneliness and need to mother someone has lessened. My fears about never bringing a baby home from the hospital have subsided for now.. During my pregnancy with this new baby I lived in dread that SOMETHING was just about to happen and we'd never get to know this son either. Those feelings have now shrunk back into the depths of my mind as they are no longer relevant. We have our rainbow baby now. And he's perfect. 

But, I still think about having 2 boys in my house. A would-be 18 month old and a 3 month old; if all had gone perfectly. My sister and I are 15 months apart, and I always call her my built-in-best-friend. I wanted that for Tucker and Henry. 

The loss of Tucker has changed. It's still a banner I carry, along with a hole in my chest where he should be. I no longer hate my body and fear I'll never have a live baby, nor do I feel the need to get pregnant right now, but there is still a lot I mourn. Mostly it's the life we would have had with him, and less the actual birth of him. The grief is different, but better? I don't know.. Having a rainbow baby does make it to where I have less free time to dwell on our loss, but I LIKE remembering him. He is our SON. Our first born. Henry's big brother. 

So happy 2nd birthday, Tuck. Mommy and Daddy STILL miss you and love you with everything we are. We hope you are smiling down at your brother and us. He's wearing your hand-me-downs today, just like most days. We wish you could have worn them in first. 

 

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