upset. I'm upset because everywhere I look people are moving forward with their lives and we are not. I'm upset because babies who were born when Tucker should have been are 3 months old now. I'm upset because everywhere I look there are babies. There are pregnancies. There is happiness.
I'm not saying that I am not happy. Mostly. I'm saying that this is hard. Every time I think I have begun to heal and am ready for the next chapter I realize I'm not. I don't think that I will ever be. As I'm sitting here I am beginning to feel the typical cramps feeling I get before my period starts. It started last night and I just want it to begin already. I'm sick of waking up every morning and peeing on a pregnancy test only to see that it's negative and I'm not carrying another child. I know that this must sound incredibly weak to couples who have been trying for year to conceive, but it's how I feel. I haven't even finished our first cycle of trying and I'm already so disappointed and hopeless. This is awful. I feel as if I'm a failure, as if it was a fluke I got pregnant the first time... That maybe we will never get pregnant again. I know I know that this is silly. It is unrealistic to think that we would get pregnant the first time trying again. But it happened last time. Last time everything was easy, it was carefree - until it wasn't. This time I have a feeling every second is going to be a struggle. Every moment will be a battle of wills and patience and prayer and above all - faith. Why then, if I know it's going to be hard do I feel so overwhelmed with how awful it is? I am struggling. I am disappointed and emotional and almost ready to give up. And it hasn't even been one whole cycle.
How can I do this for months more? When will it be enough? When will we finally conceive and carry a child to term that survives and we get to take home? How long? How many more tears do I have to shead? How many more gut wrenching photos must I see? How many more pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, shower invitations, or birthday parties must I witness without having some of my own? Will it ever come? Will I ever get to look at any of those things and not get sad and jealous and downtrodden? I can't imagine it. I don't think I can go back to being so hopefull and excited. For as long as I live I will never associate a pregnancy with a baby. I will always associate it with dread. With anxiety and fear. I have been robbed of hope for myself and for others. I can no longer even look at a pregnancy announcement without feeling dread for the parents. Part of me wants to hope, but the larger part wants to protect my heart.
I am in a weird place. I truly believed that once we were able to try again I would be given purpose and that it would help. I thought it would make me feel as if we were working towards the goal of a family, however now it just feels like we are fighting a losing battle. Like we are ignoring the inevitable truth that we are not meant to have our own family. It goes against what I feel, what I felt, in my heart when we got married. It is so terrible to think that your personal choices may be taken from you without your consent. We may never get to have a family of our own, even though we wanted a family with four children. I know we have time. This is the first cycle. But it is crazy to me how utterly hopeless we feel at this point when I thought having a goal would help. I'm at a loss. Grief has changed me from a sure woman who knew what was ahead of her to a woman who only knows how to guard her heart.
I just pray that God will help heal my heart and my mind. That He will help us to overcome this awful place we are in. That He gives us strength and patience and love. That He fuels our passion for life and each other and keeps us going. Maybe one day we will get to have our family, it just seems like it's so far away.
For now, I hope and pray He can help me feel a little less upset and a lot more thankful.
.. how accurate I was last post.
I am a wreck. We used the ovulation predictor kit but it messed up and I think we missed it for this month. I have been using the HPT's (home pregnancy tests) and am getting something that could be an error. I'm resigning myself to being okay with not getting pregnant this month, but it's proving to be difficult.
I'm lucky that Brent doesn't think I'm crazy. He understands how hard this is for me. At first I tried to hide how obsessive I was being, because I thought it would freak him out. Tonight he told me that while it's a little different for him, he's still just as anxious to get pregnant again. He said all my emotions and fears and anxieties are understandable, and to some extent he feels the same way. It was such a relief to hear him say that. I still feel as if I'm being too obsessive, but I also know it just goes with the territory.
On top of all the trying to get pregnant stuff, it's been hard being positive and not letting Tucker get lost in all this, so tonight we did some things to help remember him around our house. We bought a picture frame that's made for sonogram pictures and it says Our Little Miracle on it. It's perfect. Tucker touched our hearts in ways that would have never been possible if he lived. He's given us so much to thankful for and to remember. He is our little miracle even if we didn't get to keep him. We also bought a little angel lovey. I think we'll keep it in the nursery of our future children just to remember him.
Anyways, I'm going to go read now. Goodnight.
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