I follow several different sites and organizations that deal with the loss of a child. One of the main ones is called Hope Mommies, and it’s actually the source of great healing for me on most days. Just to read about other women, mothers, and families dealing with loss and their experiences just solidified my own. Brent, I think, has mostly healed from the loss of Tucker through the birth and growth of our second son, Henry. I have healed, but grief still overcomes me at times.
In late 2017 we began to try to conceive our third child. In January we found out we were pregnant, and in mid February I began to bleed. We were shocked. Completely dumbfounded. I had, the moment I saw two lines on the test, began to prepare myself for loss. Again. But then, when faced with the reality of it, I was inconsolable. I wanted nothing more than to just pretend I was never pregnant. But I couldn’t. No one even knew except for us and our parents. And we told them after we had started miscarrying. It was awful. I had to decide if I was truly going to go on with my day to day life all the while losing our child, or if I was going to let people see how broken I was by losing them. I couldn’t hold it in. I told work, friends, family.. and I stayed home for what was a long and very exhausting week. It wasn’t easy. It didn’t happen fast, and it was completely natural. I cried. I prayed. I was angry. I held on to Henry and Brent like they were my only hope of getting throuh it. Of losing our third baby.
Eventually, things went back to normal, and we had to decide what to do next. Try again? Wait? When you’ve lost the most precious thing to you, twice now, it’s hard to make the call to risk it again. But when the result of it going right is waiting to be dressed each morning and to get a hug and kiss when you come home from work you try again. Or at least, we did. We want a big family.. we HAVE. a big family, it’s just that 2/5 of us are in heaven now. And that’s hard. So, we were mostly just avoiding being intimate until we worked up the courage to face our fears.. when our desire for a family outweighed the fear of getting pregnant. And very soon we were pregnant again.
I am just over 17 weeks pregnant. It’s not as long as I was pregnant with Tucker, but longer than the baby we lost this year. This time it is a little girl. Our first babe that we know has been a girl. It’s surreal. This pregnancy has been mostly calm, for which I am greatful. I can find her heartbeat, and Henry knows he has a baby sister in mommy’s tummy. He gives her hugs and kisses and makes me think I’m both crazy and hopeful for telling him she’s there. He asks about her. He tells everyone she’s there. He says sorry to her when he bumps me and wants to read her books. It makes me so happy. And so so scared sometimes. I pray for her, we all do, every night when we put Henry to bed. We pray for her to keep growing, for her to be safe and healthy, for her to come see her big brother in late October or early November. We pray for everyone to feel good and for God’s will to be done. Then later, usually when I’m alone, I pray the most fervent prayer that reiterated everything we’ve already prayed. I pray for health and growth of Henry and his sister. Of safety and peace and praying that all my babies know how much I love them and want them. And I cry. And ask that God gives me peace to accept whatever comes and that I value every moment I have with any and all of the children I have had or have.
So that’s where we are at. In constant flux of hope and worry. Of anxiety and peace. More often than not these days I feel peace, which is truly nice. With Henry I felt almost no peace, no matter what. I just had a looming cloud over my head for most of my pregnancy. Even in delivery I felt like something would take him from me. In the first 6 months of his life I was as close to him as I could be. Either in person or watching on the baby monitor. So this time. This time I am glad I am feeling more peace. But the moments of fear and anxiety that do come are just as intense, if not more so for having lost one more baby since Henry was born. Tonight the trigger was a blog post about losing your first born child. I can relate. And it never gets easier. I used to, somewhat, think that a miscarriage was easier to deal with than a stillbirth. I have now had both, along with one very health living child. Neither one is easier. They are different. I never felt the kicks of our third baby, which almost makes it harder because I have no real “connection” with that pregnancy other than my tests saying I was pregnant.. it made me feel like less of a mom because I had that baby for such a short time that we have no real memories to look back on. With Tucker, I felt the loss of the future more strongly because he was real to me. I felt him, I saw sonograms of him moving and he was a BOY.
This baby. This girl. Hadley Rose. She has me so excited to be her mommy. And for her to make Henry a big brother. And for her to be her daddy’s girl. I just want everything for her. And I’m praying I can give it to her for as long as I can in this life.
Hadley, we have a journey ahead of us, however long we have you. I pray we get to keep you for a very long time. Love, Mommy.
Today is the day we buried Tucker. Again, it's like everything happened all over again. I remember who came and who spoke at the funeral.. I remember having to look at all the things our family picked out because We couldn't bear to really do it. It is my dad's Birthday. I clearly remember when we were discussing which day the funeral would be on, I wanted it as soon as possible, and he said "I would be honored to share my birthday with my first grandson". And that was that. He knew we wanted it to happen quickly, and his birthday was only 2 days after Tucker's.. So the 25th it was.
Today is Tucker's 2nd birthday. I know it's silly to think of it as his birthday, but it puts the day in as a normal celebration for any child. Only my son's in heaven.
I'm so emotionally done with everything. I'm pretty sure my period is about to start, even though it shouldn't for another 5 days. I started spotting yesterday and this evening it happened again. I'm heartbroken and confused and feel like a failure. I don't understand why we got pregnant so easily the first time but now we can't. I don't want Tucker to be my only child. Please Lord don't make him my only baby. I want to have children of my own. I want to be pregnant. I loved being pregnant. I don't understand why this happening. Dear Lord please let me have a live baby. I don't know what else to do. I just feel so lost since we lost Tucker and now we can't even get pregnant again to try to move on! I can't stand this. I want a child! I want Brent's child.
Well today begins the waiting game for me.
upset. I'm upset because everywhere I look people are moving forward with their lives and we are not. I'm upset because babies who were born when Tucker should have been are 3 months old now. I'm upset because everywhere I look there are babies. There are pregnancies. There is happiness.