This Is For Me

August 20, 2014

On August 20th, Brent and I went in for a routine ultrasound at 22 weeks and 5 days into our pregnancy. We were stunned when we found out that baby Tucker was no longer with us. He had no heartbeat. We were sent to the hospital and induced, and on the 23rd we delivered our precious boy. How weighed in at a tiny 13 ounces and was 13 inches long! Had he kept growing at that rate he would have been a long and lean baby, taking after his Daddy. Delivery was hard, with my body wanting to hold on to our boy who wasn't due for another 3 months, but we made it though with no epidural and very little to complain about in his actual birth. We said goodbye at a memorial service on August 25th, my Dad'd birthday. He said he would willingly share his special day with his firstborn grandson.

It's been over two months now since we lost Tucker, and every day has been a struggle. He was perfect, the doctors and nurses said, it was his umbilical cord that had the problem. It was wrapped twice around his neck, which was his cause of death. All Tucker ever knew was love and warmth and peace. Brent and I are so lucky that he never knew any pain or sin, or hate. We think of him often, and now sometimes with a smile rather than tears. He will always be our first child. Our Son. God is taking care of him and showing him all the love we wish we could. We will meet again, in heaven. We cannot wait.

I'm a nurse. I know one in four pregnancies end in either miscarriage or stillbirth. Stillbirth is still the less common of those two by only accounting of one in three of those. Our Tucker was due to a Nuchal Cord accident that is still only ten percent of those... And he had a Double Nuchal Cord, which is even more rare. This was a rare and terrible accident. We have been assured that the chances of this happening again are slim to none, and that it was not caused by anything we had done. Being a white male was his highest risk factor, which is not saying anything. It could be anyone. It was us.

We are still mourning the loss of our sweet boy in our own ways and time, but we will try again. We were given a six month minimum wait time to try and conceive again, and as of now we think we will try again as soon as we are able. We are both so thankful for a firm foundation in Christ and our faith. Without it we could never be in this place of such healing and peace only months after this devastating loss. Our families, especially our moms, have been with us through everything and have also been instrumental in our healing. Our church family has also been here for us as we couldn't have thought to ask, sending prayers and meals to us at all hours of the day, aiding in our healing. We are so blessed. We are thankful for everything. For the opportunity to be Tucker's parents for his short time on earth.

Please continue to pray for us.

Natalie

!!!!

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 12:33 AM

Welllllllll. Brently's and I are going to find out the sex of the baby in 4 days!! :D We are so very excited!

So that's me!! All 18 weeks pregnant! This next picture is of our Ashmore nephew, so baby could look like him?

Orrrr it could look like our little Ashmore niece?? :)

I guess we'll find out soon enough, but to me both babies look like their Momma's, so I can't really tell what the "Ashmore" side babies look like! :o

Love, Natalie

Ups and Downs

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 5:40 PM

This last month has been so full of ups and downs it's unbelievable. I really can't imagine how I'm even functioning after all the stress I've been under! So. I'm going to make a list of Downs followed by a list of Ups, and maybe in the end it'll help me feel a little more thankful and a little less annoyed. Here goes.

Downs

1. AC breaking at the new house

2. The wall not being finished at the new house

3. Hailstorm from hell, which totaled my paid-off car.

4. STILL WITH THE NAUSEA!

5. Brother and sister in law still not talking to us, nor telling us the sex of the baby - even when they told everyone else

6. My OBGYN telling us BY MAIL that they are switching to a different hospital that does not take our insurance - effectively making us find a new doctor 4 months into this pregnancy

7. My preceptee making a HUGE med error the ONE time I've left the floor while he was doing med pass (2 days before he was finished with orientation!)

8. Brent and I fighting a TON over unpacking the house.

All of these things have happened so fast together that I'm really not sure, like I said, how I'm still emotionally stable. It's HARD dealing with so many things going wrong at the same time.. I didn't even list all the fun little joys of homeownership, like our refrigerator leaking water all night so we woke up with a lake in our kitchen. Those things seem insignificant when I'm talking about things on this much larger scale. I'm at my wits end. Things need to start looking up ASAP. I guess I do have some good things to list though!

Ups

1. I'm in the second trimester now!

2. We are getting much more than I thought we would for totaling my car, so maybe we can buy one outright?

3. I finished cleaning the duplex today, so we are done with renting.

4. We find out the sex of the baby next month!

5. We have a home warranty, so the ad only cost us $60

6. At least I know how to combat the nausea?!

It's not easy. All this is really hard and I'm trying to figure it out by myself. Marriage is hard. Pregnancy is hard. Buying a new house is hard, and so is dealing with the unexpected. I cannot tell you how much all of this happening together is stressing me out. Is stressing my marriage out. I'm exhausted because it all is happening at once, and I didn't realize just how much it was worrying me. I need to take a few steps back and examine how lucky I am. I need to see how much we have accomplished. All of these things that are my downs I have to take in stride. They can all be managed and fixed, it just takes time. Killing myself over doing everything at once will not help me. Or Brent. We need to calmly face them one by one and tackle this as a team. That's the only way it will get done period. And the less stress the better.

So for now, I'll just go try to organize my life and the things making it hard right now. I will cry, and think, and make plans. I will make my goals become realities and turn my Downs into Ups. Or at least I'll try.

Nat

More fun!

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 8:02 PM

So many fun things are happening! We have officially got the house! We'll sign on it and get the keys Monday morning! Then that afternoon I have my second prenatal visit and we'll pay off the doctor's bills of having a baby! :D I'm almost done with my first trimester!! :) Brent has graduated and I gave him the gift of a fancy suit. :) We are able to pick that up Monday as well!

Monday will be a very busy day!! I also have completed my application to graduate school and hopefully will be starting in the fall! Bren is getting a little time off from job searching due to us having to move and me not being able to help move the heavy stuff... So I preferred that we got settled into the new house before he starts trying, that way it'll be a little less stressful!

It's going to be such a great year for us! Oh yeah! Estimated due date is December 19, 2014!! :) Our precious little baby!! :D Ahhhhh!!!

Love always

Ch ch ch changes!!

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 9:54 PM

Well, a lot has happened since I last posted.. Some very big changes are in the making! :) I found 4 days ago that I'm pregnant!! :D Brent and I are overjoyed! We have wanted to start trying and it's happened so soon! We were both shocked, excited, and amazed that this precious gift has been given to us! We are very early on in the whole thing, maybe 4-5 weeks along, but so excited! We have begun to tell family and friends and could not be happier! This little one will be due either the end of December or beginning of January, I'm not sure which just yet! :) Brent has just got the best graduation gift he could ever ask for! And I've been given the gift of life! :D I still can't believe that someone is growing inside of me! OUR BABY!

Anyways. That's THE change! And it's a great one!

Love, Natalie

Amazing Grace , please let me have some.

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 12:21 AM

Today we laid my Papa Ray to rest. He went suddenly, and unexpectedly, in his sleep.

Now, I have never had a great relationship with him, nor have anyone in my immediate family since he remarried. His new wife preferred to keep her own children and grandchildren separate from his own. So we rarely met, and barely knew one another. Today, and the few days leading up the burial, made that all the more painfully awkward. See, to my step cousins Papa Ray was a father figure and a man to lean on in times of need. He had the strength and selflessness they needed. But to me and my family all he ever was was Absent. It has been painful realizing how little my father has seen his own father since he remarried. My father was shaped by this man to be the same selfless, strong, caring, and gentle man he is... And he was forcibly estranged by him due to his father remarrying and acquiring a new wife , children, and grandchildren. So today, sitting in the funeral listening to all the traits that were spoken of and revered, all I heard were reasons why they couldn't visit, why they had to see other family, why they were not available.. And all I could think about was my personal resentment of the new wife and how much I missed out on seeing my Papa Ray. That and anger. Then I glanced up and saw my father crying. I mean sobbing. And my mother comforting him. I broke down. Not for my absentee grandfather, but for my father's absentee father. When he remarried two years after my grandmother passed from cancer, I can only imagine the hurt my father felt. But then to see his father move away from the life he made for himself, not to mention his deceased wife and two sons, to take care of a new family, must have broke his heart. So today at the funeral I wept and wept hard. For the family that could have been. For my precious father. For him and his precious father he had lost over 20 years ago. I don't think anything can hurt as feeling unloved by your own family.

So today we loved on our father. And prayed for Amazing Grace that we could see past the hurt and appreciate the man that made and raised my amazing Father. I will never know the whole situation, and maybe the hurt will decrease as I get older, but for now I just pray for Grace to get through this. For my father to get through this. For those that my Papa Ray loved, and those that loved him even from afar.

The Paper Anniversary

0 comments Posted by Natalie at 7:25 PM

One year into our wonderful marriage! I cannot believe it! We are so happy and in love and all the other cliches that go along with newly weds! In my wildest dreams I imagined feeling loved like this, and now my dreams have come true. I am truly blessed.

My work is busy, exciting, and altogether what I expected AND what I did not. Marriage is the same! As far as working goes though, I am fully confident and capable in myself. I am even applying to go back to school to be a nurse practitioner! I cannot wait! It'll be good for our future, and I think that's what my calling has always been, but we'll see. For now though, Neurology is my home and I love it, no matter how crazy the crazies get!

Brent graduates this May with his bachelors and then he'll start working as well. We are entering the most fun time in our lives! On top of that we have decided to start trying to make our own family! This will come at a perfect time, as our two sister in laws on Brent's side are already expecting! How much fun will that be growing up with cousins all the same ages? We are both excited and nervous at the same time (as probably anyone in our place would be). We are also saving for a house, possibly making this town our home for quite a while. If all goes according to plan, in two years I will graduate with my masters in family nurse practitioner and I will also be free of my four year contract with the hospital that is paying off my bachelors loans! Then it will be a new start with only my masters degree loans to pay off! It's a very exciting time indeed!

:) Natalie

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