This Is For Me

Now, I have never had a great relationship with him, nor have anyone in my immediate family since he remarried. His new wife preferred to keep her own children and grandchildren separate from his own. So we rarely met, and barely knew one another. Today, and the few days leading up the burial, made that all the more painfully awkward. See, to my step cousins Papa Ray was a father figure and a man to lean on in times of need. He had the strength and selflessness they needed. But to me and my family all he ever was was Absent. It has been painful realizing how little my father has seen his own father since he remarried. My father was shaped by this man to be the same selfless, strong, caring, and gentle man he is... And he was forcibly estranged by him due to his father remarrying and acquiring a new wife , children, and grandchildren. So today, sitting in the funeral listening to all the traits that were spoken of and revered, all I heard were reasons why they couldn't visit, why they had to see other family, why they were not available.. And all I could think about was my personal resentment of the new wife and how much I missed out on seeing my Papa Ray. That and anger. Then I glanced up and saw my father crying. I mean sobbing. And my mother comforting him. I broke down. Not for my absentee grandfather, but for my father's absentee father. When he remarried two years after my grandmother passed from cancer, I can only imagine the hurt my father felt. But then to see his father move away from the life he made for himself, not to mention his deceased wife and two sons, to take care of a new family, must have broke his heart. So today at the funeral I wept and wept hard. For the family that could have been. For my precious father. For him and his precious father he had lost over 20 years ago. I don't think anything can hurt as feeling unloved by your own family. 

My work is busy, exciting, and altogether what I expected AND what I did not. Marriage is the same! As far as working goes though, I am fully confident and capable in myself. I am even applying to go back to school to be a nurse practitioner! I cannot wait! It'll be good for our future, and I think that's what my calling has always been, but we'll see. For now though, Neurology is my home and I love it, no matter how crazy the crazies get! 

Brent graduates this May with his bachelors and then he'll start working as well. We are entering the most fun time in our lives! On top of that we have decided to start trying to make our own family! This will come at a perfect time, as our two sister in laws on Brent's side are already expecting! How much fun will that be growing up with cousins all the same ages? We  are both excited and nervous at the same time (as probably anyone in our place would be). We are also saving for a house, possibly making this town our home for quite a while. If all goes according to plan, in two years I will graduate with my masters in family nurse practitioner and I will also be free of my four year contract with the hospital that is paying off my bachelors loans! Then it will be a new start with only my masters degree loans to pay off! It's a very exciting time indeed! 

:) Natalie

I have been married for almost 10 months. In those ten months I have learned a lot about my husband. I have also learned a lot about myself.

I have never been one to do well on less than 8 hours of sleep, nor without some alone time each day. I have learned I get really cranky when I don't get those things. I also don't do well on a budget. Or with farts and other stinky things. I hate that the dishes are never done, and that clothes are thrown BY the hamper instead of in it. I have learned that the one person I love the most is also the person that frustrates me the most.

In all ways I believe that my dear, sweet, artistic husband is right for me. I just sometimes question the smartness of it. I love him with all my heart, but at least once a week I want to punch him in the throat. Sometimes more than that! It's something that scares me. We are newlyweds! We are supposed to have sex a million times each day and be so mushy gushy with love and stuff. We can be. We are more often than not completely happy and sweet to one another. But man, those other times. I jokingly asked him if he was googling "abusive relationships" earlier after we had a fight. We both laughed. But honestly I think that for 2% of our week it is abusive. We know each other well enough now that we know how to cut to the bone. We know how dirty we can fight. We always skirt the really bad things. But after it's all said and done I think how awful we are to one another and can't seem to imagine us 10 years from now. I can't help but think how he always brings up that i think he's stupid. I don't know why he thinks that, but he does. It must be something that I've made him think though... That bothers me. I cherish my husband. And I know he is intelligent and witty and confident and amazing. I can't help but think I'm the problem when he says things like that.

I love my husband. Maybe I need to pray for a smaller temper; less of a loose tongue, too. I think he know where his faults are after this first ten months just as surely as I know mine.

There is only one way to deal with being a nurse, and that is sharing your stories. How does this fit in with HIPPA laws? Keep everything personal out of it. I've become a pro at this. See, Hubs and I live in a relatively small town, and I cannot cope, sometimes, in any other way that sharing. Such was it with the Soap Suds Enema Story as it will later be know as, probably for the rest of my life, actually. SO I share my stories, and I make people laugh at how awful my job is. Then I make them cry at how sad and heartbreaking my job is. Then I'll tell a truly inspiring story and all of a sudden feel so blessed to be a part of my patient's lives. It's so much more than I expected when I became a nurse. 

So much more emotion. Love, anger, hope, despair, sadness, anxiety, depression, and even insanity. I see so much emotion on a day to day basis that I sometimes worry that I'll become immune to it. To feeling. But, I guess if I'm worrying about it, then I'm probably not the type that that will ever happen to.  I'll see in a few years! 

Natalie

... and I'll cry if I want to.

Can I just say how much birthdays suck once you have passed 21?! It's also worse once you have graduated college. At least then you still had some fun. It seems to me like every year I get more and more disappointed with my birthday and Christmas.

I'm sure it's normal. We just grow up and have more worries. We no longer just want something for your birthday, but you also have an understanding about finances. Why what you want/want to do is not necessarily a good idea. You talk yourself out of splurging for the day, out of having fun.

Today I have done nothing. The only redeeming part of my day was the birthday sex upon waking up. You can always count on that. However, everything else has been disappointing. DH is ever mindful of our finances and officially guilted me out of even wanting to go out to eat, or to the movies. I know it wasn't his intent, but there it is. So I cooked dinner, and read. Happy 24th bday to me! :/ With no Mom, Dad, or sister to spoil me, I have spent most of the day at my house, minus one trip to my brother and sister-in -laws house for lunch. It's so depressing!

It's nine forty five and I'm in bed. Yet another lovely thing about being an adult. I have work in the morning. Ugh. Well, I can officially count this one as one of the worst bday's I've had. Being old sucks.

There are a few times in our lives where everything seems to be in the perfect place. The perfect day, the perfect date, the perfect meal... Everything is just right. But since being married I've found that my perfect times are not what they used to be. Maybe the DH and I fought through dinner, argued in the car ride, and ended up watching tv at home instead of doing chores because we were both frustrated. Then, all of a sudden, I see him lounging on the couch and he just takes my breath away. He is such a good man. Such a caring and forgiving person. So I walk over and lay down next to him as he automatically moves to adjust to me being there. And all of a sudden he kisses me. Not a quick peck, but an ardent display of his deep love for me. And I respond equally. We are one. We meld and as we do so all the days troubles and arguments and annoyances fade away in the jumble of limbs and lips. It's perfect. It's not the perfect I've known before. It's perfect because it's a normal day. Nothing extraordinary, nothing super romantic or expensive. Just us.


Sex with your hot Hubby is pretty great. Especially when it's the perfect ending to a not so perfect day. 
Natalie

I'm up. It's 0912 am. :) I should go to bed, but last night I was on call, so I stayed up until 3, then slept until 7. So I gotta stay awake a little more so I can sleep the whole day! THEN I HAVE THE WEEKEND OFF! :D How amazing! Soooo this is what I've been doing these last few hours!

That's my sweet kitty. Staying with me in the early morning while I read. At least she's loyal SOMEtimes. :)

Well, other than me being/feeling like a fatty, life is still normal. Brent and I have started bickering some, but I think it's because we get anxious when we don't spend enough alone time together. We feel disconnected. I'm so glad I have this weekend off. We need it. I'm gonna clean, organize, and buy a treadmill! :) I've come to the conclusion that I'll probably run more if I can do it at home, without having to go to the gym and change after working 12 hours. That's the plan at least. I weighed myself the other day. Ugh. I was 196. That's awful. It's the most I've ever weighed. I NEED to be running. I NEED to be active. I need to commit. I will. I want to be a sexy wife, not a fat lumpy one. :/ I still have all my treadmill workouts, so that will be my plan. I also want to sign up for a 5k and make that a goal. We'll have to see. I'm getting a treadmill this weekend! :D It'll be a start!

:) Laters.