It's the second week of school already.. the first football game is saturday. WHEW! It is already going by so fast! :] That's good though. I'm enjoying my classes so far.. I'm pretty excited about my A&P and my Life-Span classes. They are really interesting. I'm hoping they won't be too terrible hard on tests too. ahah. NOT. But other than that, my two band classes are pretty fun too. I'm pretty terrible in Concert Band, but that was to be expected.. In CBB, I'm not the worst, I'm the one who's SECOND worst. >.< LOL. Well, I've got some studying to do.. =/ I have a ton of reading to do before tomorrow. UGH.
Anddd Hayley is cooking.. so I'm gonna read until Dinner then EAT! :]
Byeeee.
So, I'm back! Everything is all moved in! I still need to put up some pictures and decorate a little bit, but my room is mostly finished!! I'm so excited. Jerm has helped out a ton so far, so he's being a good big brother. I guess I'll just put up some pics then!! Because I'm eating with Jerm and Shannon in a bit!
I guess I should say how the Implanon is working so far. Well it's working. =/ Yeah, the side affects have come into play more than I hoped, but it's good none-the-less. The "spotting" is the worst. It's not like when you have you're period and you hurt and you're sore and you can tell it's coming.. it's just random. Light and easy, but annoying. So far so good though!
Other than that things have been pretty okay. I can't believe I'll be leaving in about two weeks to go back to school. As much as Conor made me mad today, I'm still really going to miss him.
Today Conor was the biggest jerk ever. He made me cry all afternoon. I think he really just doesn't get things sometimes.. and it worries me. I know he's a saver and doesn't like spending money, but today drew the line. I've been buying us lunch and dinner quite often, and I've not complained. I have the money, I don't mind spending it, so why not? Until this week, I guess. It all started with a $65 dinner two nights ago. I paid. I'm not complaining, but we said we would split it, then it didn't work out that way.. Then today, he offers to buy lunch, so I let him. It was BWW and it cost him $17.. whooho. So afterwards, we swing over to Walmart, and we each get a few things. He insists on paying since we picked up some stuff for his mom, so she would reimburse him. Now, I offered to pay for everything, he said no, then I offered to pay for my things, and he said no again. I don't really care at this point, my stuff was like $6... no big deal. So we get into the car, and he's all pissed. He starts saying how he hates spending money on crap and he just spent $50 on it. So I'm like, "I offered to pay for mine, Conor." And he's just fuming still and says, "It's fine." but in a really mean voice. So I get mad and I'm like, "FINE here, I'll pay you back for it!" and shove $20 in his hand, which he takes and says, "Thanks" in a mean voice. By now, I'm pissed. My stuff only cost $6 and I just gave him $20. I've spent so much money on him lately and he's making me pay him back?!?!?! Then what does he do? HE TRIES TO HOLD MY HAND. So I shove it away. Complete silence for the rest of the drive home. I didn't look at him, or say anything other than "bye" when I got out of the car.
So now I'm home, and I'm really really mad and upset. Conor was such a jerk. So I wanted to talk to my sister, which isn't surprising. Her boyfriend is over but he's dying his hair in the bathroom or something, so I pull her into my room and ask to talk to her. I start crying and telling her how mad I am at Conor and what does she do? SHE SAYS SHE'S DOING SOMETHING RIGHT NOW AND WALKS OUT. I'm crying my heart out to her, madder at my boyfriend of 3 years than I have been in a LONG time, and SHE WALKS OUT. Awesome.
So, I've had like, the worst day in the world. I'm now at home, doing this, while my family is at church. Why didn't I go? Because Con and I just talked and I figured we'd hang out... HAHAHAH. NOPE. He's eating with his family and doesn't know when he'll be back. Awesome again. I'll go get a burger and shove my face with food.
TODAY SUCKS.
So, I'm getting the Implanon BC in tomorrow. I'm kinda nervous, I'm not going to lie. It's the size of a flattened toothpick, and it goes in my arm muscle. The needle they'll use to get it in there is a liittttlllleee scary looking. I know it has to be huge in order for the toothpick to fit into it. =/ I know I'll be all numbed up and stuff, but still. I really hope that this works really well with my body and that it doesn't become inconveniencing. I know that no matter what it will be worth it, I'm just freaking myself out.
Wellll, I just wanted to put that down before I actually get the thing tomorrow. :) I'm going to bed now!
I think I'm finally sick of being home. It's weird becuase I've been looking forward to summer break since Christmas. Summer is about halfway over, and I'm tired of it. I love being able to see Conor and hang out with him, but I also just need some "me time" which no one here is able to realize OR give me.
I bought this incredible new book, it's actually 3 books in one, and I'm so hooked on it. It's like 900 pages long and I'm loving ever y page of it! It's by the same author as the other series of books I like. :) Very exciting.
I'm kinda in a weird depressed mood today. I'm supposed to go over to Con's house at 10:00.. I know what he wants, but I'm not really that INTO it. IDK. I really don't know what I'm feeling or why I'm in such a weird mood. Anyways, if I'm going to go to his house in 30 mins I should probably start getting ready.
LAter.
This summer has been kinda lame so far. I'm working and hanging out with Conor a lot, which is good, but nothing to brag about.. What's really sad is that the MOST exciting thing I've done so far is to go to my Gynecologist. HAHAHA!
Last Friday, for the first time in my life, I went and had a "women's health exam". Ugh. It was terrible. I'm not going to lie, it was one of the most awful things I've ever done on purpose to myself. =/ The good news is, though, that I'm getting on BC! It's going to last for up to 3 years. :) Boy, will that take a load off my back.. I'm glad we're finally getting around to this.
Today has been pretty weird too. All of my plans fell though and I ended up staying home all day. I'm in a bad mood because everything just went wrong. Not fun. So, now I'm watching Alien and eating SourPatch Kids. :) I'm not sure I'm going to be able to stick though this movie though.. I hate scary movies. I'll probably change it soon. =/
Well, I'm gonna get back to that. Later.
Nat.
All of the ties I have with MacArthur High School are now severed. My sister and boyfriend have officially graduated. While it makes me VERY happy to say that I no longer am dating a High-Schooler, I'm sort of sad! I loved going back and eating lunch there, seeing people I've known for years, catching up with a few teachers, and reminiscing about my years spent there.
As the week has flown by I've seen new sides of Conor and Bethany. They are, just as I was last year, itching to be out and on their own. They feel the need to go far away and do great things with their lives. While I'm very excited for Bethany, and hope she does everything she wants, I'm torn about Conor. He's my best friend, and I don't want him running off with out me. I've listened to him talk about College and going away, but I never really thought about it.
I'm sure that he must have had the same worries and fears, that I'm having now, a year ago. When I graduated, I knew that I would be leaving for school, and I wanted to experience everything I could when I went away. While I admit that I thought about some very very stupid things, but one thing I seriously considered was He and I's relationship. I wondered if, after I moved away, maybe things would just fizzle out and die. Maybe being away would ruin everything. Maybe I didn't even want to be dating someone when I was so far away.. In the end, I decided I would just wait and see how things went. I never let him know my doubts or fears, and that's what worries me now.
He is such an amazing person. He truly cares about every single person he meets. He will take the time to teach you something you don't know, to explain anything you don't understand, talk about any differences you have, or comfort you when that time comes. He is a wonderful boy.. But he isn't really, because he is now a Man. Conor may be my person of choice, but I think it's stupid to think that he won't have doubts this year.. consider dating other people, or maybe just breaking things off. Last year we had all the reasons in line, we had plans, we had a schedule, we had weekends.
This year will be different. We will be father away from each other, both with highly filled schedules, and not a lot of free time. While I will have an apartment that will always be welcome to him, it will be four hours away. I'm not sure how much that will limit our time spent together, but I have a feeling it will change things. Last year he was my rock. He kept me grounded and focused on the here and now. Our feelings right at that exact moment. He didn't worry about the future, he just loved me.
Now my concern is, am I strong enough to do the same for him? Can I be his rock when my life is still so upside down? Will I be better, prettier, smarter, more likeable than the girls he will meet at school? How can I know? None of this is going to be easy. I know how great of a person he is, and others will surely see it.. How can I fight off what I don't know?
I want more than anything for him to be happy. I want him to succeed, I want him to experience college to the fullest degree he wishes... I just wonder if I'm good enough to keep. Maybe we were only meant to be High School Sweethearts. Maybe this summer is the last one we will have. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
I'm going to try and focus on the good, try to reassure myself that I'm what he wants. Try and tell myself our love is strong enough. If we've lasted two and half years we can make it through one more. Hopefully. I wish I knew what was coming, maybe then I would feel so insecure. I love him more than I've ever thought was possible. That seems silly, but I know my heart and I know his. That won't stop my worries though. We've got a long road ahead of us, and we both know it.