This summer has been kinda lame so far. I'm working and hanging out with Conor a lot, which is good, but nothing to brag about.. What's really sad is that the MOST exciting thing I've done so far is to go to my Gynecologist. HAHAHA!
Last Friday, for the first time in my life, I went and had a "women's health exam". Ugh. It was terrible. I'm not going to lie, it was one of the most awful things I've ever done on purpose to myself. =/ The good news is, though, that I'm getting on BC! It's going to last for up to 3 years. :) Boy, will that take a load off my back.. I'm glad we're finally getting around to this.
Today has been pretty weird too. All of my plans fell though and I ended up staying home all day. I'm in a bad mood because everything just went wrong. Not fun. So, now I'm watching Alien and eating SourPatch Kids. :) I'm not sure I'm going to be able to stick though this movie though.. I hate scary movies. I'll probably change it soon. =/
Well, I'm gonna get back to that. Later.
Nat.
All of the ties I have with MacArthur High School are now severed. My sister and boyfriend have officially graduated. While it makes me VERY happy to say that I no longer am dating a High-Schooler, I'm sort of sad! I loved going back and eating lunch there, seeing people I've known for years, catching up with a few teachers, and reminiscing about my years spent there.
As the week has flown by I've seen new sides of Conor and Bethany. They are, just as I was last year, itching to be out and on their own. They feel the need to go far away and do great things with their lives. While I'm very excited for Bethany, and hope she does everything she wants, I'm torn about Conor. He's my best friend, and I don't want him running off with out me. I've listened to him talk about College and going away, but I never really thought about it.
I'm sure that he must have had the same worries and fears, that I'm having now, a year ago. When I graduated, I knew that I would be leaving for school, and I wanted to experience everything I could when I went away. While I admit that I thought about some very very stupid things, but one thing I seriously considered was He and I's relationship. I wondered if, after I moved away, maybe things would just fizzle out and die. Maybe being away would ruin everything. Maybe I didn't even want to be dating someone when I was so far away.. In the end, I decided I would just wait and see how things went. I never let him know my doubts or fears, and that's what worries me now.
He is such an amazing person. He truly cares about every single person he meets. He will take the time to teach you something you don't know, to explain anything you don't understand, talk about any differences you have, or comfort you when that time comes. He is a wonderful boy.. But he isn't really, because he is now a Man. Conor may be my person of choice, but I think it's stupid to think that he won't have doubts this year.. consider dating other people, or maybe just breaking things off. Last year we had all the reasons in line, we had plans, we had a schedule, we had weekends.
This year will be different. We will be father away from each other, both with highly filled schedules, and not a lot of free time. While I will have an apartment that will always be welcome to him, it will be four hours away. I'm not sure how much that will limit our time spent together, but I have a feeling it will change things. Last year he was my rock. He kept me grounded and focused on the here and now. Our feelings right at that exact moment. He didn't worry about the future, he just loved me.
Now my concern is, am I strong enough to do the same for him? Can I be his rock when my life is still so upside down? Will I be better, prettier, smarter, more likeable than the girls he will meet at school? How can I know? None of this is going to be easy. I know how great of a person he is, and others will surely see it.. How can I fight off what I don't know?
I want more than anything for him to be happy. I want him to succeed, I want him to experience college to the fullest degree he wishes... I just wonder if I'm good enough to keep. Maybe we were only meant to be High School Sweethearts. Maybe this summer is the last one we will have. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
I'm going to try and focus on the good, try to reassure myself that I'm what he wants. Try and tell myself our love is strong enough. If we've lasted two and half years we can make it through one more. Hopefully. I wish I knew what was coming, maybe then I would feel so insecure. I love him more than I've ever thought was possible. That seems silly, but I know my heart and I know his. That won't stop my worries though. We've got a long road ahead of us, and we both know it.