Today is the day we buried Tucker. Again, it's like everything happened all over again. I remember who came and who spoke at the funeral.. I remember having to look at all the things our family picked out because We couldn't bear to really do it. It is my dad's Birthday. I clearly remember when we were discussing which day the funeral would be on, I wanted it as soon as possible, and he said "I would be honored to share my birthday with my first grandson". And that was that. He knew we wanted it to happen quickly, and his birthday was only 2 days after Tucker's.. So the 25th it was.
It was such an exhausting day.. Having to get dressed and ready. I think it was the first shower I took since the day we found out he was gone. I remember nothing fit right and I looked like a mess. I wished that I was being buried and not Tucker. I hated every single moment of holding in all the tears and sadness to "be strong". I got home and cried for the rest of the day. I think later in the day my parents and Brent began to take apart the nursery. I didn't want it all fixed and ready with no baby to put in there. The we closed the door and didn't open it for 6 months.
I think we actually went in the nursery on his due date, December 19th. I looked at the pictures they took and started writing in his baby book.
Maybe I should do that today. Update his baby book with his new sibling and write him a letter. Maybe.
Today is Tucker's 2nd birthday. I know it's silly to think of it as his birthday, but it puts the day in as a normal celebration for any child. Only my son's in heaven.
I haven't posted here in a long time - since right before we got pregnant, actually. Tucker's little brother was born 3 months ago, and he's been a huge blessing to us. I didn't really know how having my rainbow would affect today... How I would feel, would it make the anniversary of Tucker's death a little less hard since I have a baby in my arms? The answer is I don't know.
Tucker is our first son. We WANTED him SO BADLY. He can never ever be replaced. The aching in my arms to hold him, to see him grow, has not gone away. If anything, seeing how much I enjoy his brother makes me wish even harder that I had Tucker too. But, the loneliness and need to mother someone has lessened. My fears about never bringing a baby home from the hospital have subsided for now.. During my pregnancy with this new baby I lived in dread that SOMETHING was just about to happen and we'd never get to know this son either. Those feelings have now shrunk back into the depths of my mind as they are no longer relevant. We have our rainbow baby now. And he's perfect.
But, I still think about having 2 boys in my house. A would-be 18 month old and a 3 month old; if all had gone perfectly. My sister and I are 15 months apart, and I always call her my built-in-best-friend. I wanted that for Tucker and Henry.
The loss of Tucker has changed. It's still a banner I carry, along with a hole in my chest where he should be. I no longer hate my body and fear I'll never have a live baby, nor do I feel the need to get pregnant right now, but there is still a lot I mourn. Mostly it's the life we would have had with him, and less the actual birth of him. The grief is different, but better? I don't know.. Having a rainbow baby does make it to where I have less free time to dwell on our loss, but I LIKE remembering him. He is our SON. Our first born. Henry's big brother.
So happy 2nd birthday, Tuck. Mommy and Daddy STILL miss you and love you with everything we are. We hope you are smiling down at your brother and us. He's wearing your hand-me-downs today, just like most days. We wish you could have worn them in first.
I'm so frustrated that it's been 6 months and we haven't got pregnant yet. My cue is currently on day 64.. And I only ovulated 3 days ago.. That's not normal by any means. I'm just hoping that I have ovulated and my period will be here soon because IF we did O 3 days ago, our timing was terrible. So let's just move along and try again.
School is starting to get fun though! I'm loving NP classes and super excited clinicals start in a month!! I THINK I may have found a doctor to follow who does family practice and OB! That would be amazing! The only downside is that her practice is in a different town that's 40 mins away. Oh well! I just hope I'll be able to get in with her and see some stuff!
I'm so emotionally done with everything. I'm pretty sure my period is about to start, even though it shouldn't for another 5 days. I started spotting yesterday and this evening it happened again. I'm heartbroken and confused and feel like a failure. I don't understand why we got pregnant so easily the first time but now we can't. I don't want Tucker to be my only child. Please Lord don't make him my only baby. I want to have children of my own. I want to be pregnant. I loved being pregnant. I don't understand why this happening. Dear Lord please let me have a live baby. I don't know what else to do. I just feel so lost since we lost Tucker and now we can't even get pregnant again to try to move on! I can't stand this. I want a child! I want Brent's child.
Well today begins the waiting game for me.
Officially I think that I O'd yesterday? Maybe the day before. So our waiting game has begun. It's been a rough month for us. Both our emotions are all over the place, and it only seems fitting because we are both so desperate for some good news/ something to look forward to.
I really have a good feeling about this time. We timed it all well, and we can only hope! Poor us. Sex will probably be off the table for a few days while we recoup after that crazy sexcapade that has been the last week and a half. Haha. We were laughing last night thinking about how things change.. Once you experience a loss of a pregnancy or the loss of a child sex changes. It changes because the root of sex is still to make babies, and once you've seen the dirty side of that sex can never been so carefree. But it can be hopeful. And as much as we dread the loss of another baby, we can still hope to bring home a child. And that hope makes us giddy with happiness.. Even if our bits feel like they've been rung through the ringer over the course of the last few days. We are once again cautiously optimistic. And so now the two week wait begins!
So for now say a prayer for us!
Love, Nat.
upset. I'm upset because everywhere I look people are moving forward with their lives and we are not. I'm upset because babies who were born when Tucker should have been are 3 months old now. I'm upset because everywhere I look there are babies. There are pregnancies. There is happiness.
I'm not saying that I am not happy. Mostly. I'm saying that this is hard. Every time I think I have begun to heal and am ready for the next chapter I realize I'm not. I don't think that I will ever be. As I'm sitting here I am beginning to feel the typical cramps feeling I get before my period starts. It started last night and I just want it to begin already. I'm sick of waking up every morning and peeing on a pregnancy test only to see that it's negative and I'm not carrying another child. I know that this must sound incredibly weak to couples who have been trying for year to conceive, but it's how I feel. I haven't even finished our first cycle of trying and I'm already so disappointed and hopeless. This is awful. I feel as if I'm a failure, as if it was a fluke I got pregnant the first time... That maybe we will never get pregnant again. I know I know that this is silly. It is unrealistic to think that we would get pregnant the first time trying again. But it happened last time. Last time everything was easy, it was carefree - until it wasn't. This time I have a feeling every second is going to be a struggle. Every moment will be a battle of wills and patience and prayer and above all - faith. Why then, if I know it's going to be hard do I feel so overwhelmed with how awful it is? I am struggling. I am disappointed and emotional and almost ready to give up. And it hasn't even been one whole cycle.
How can I do this for months more? When will it be enough? When will we finally conceive and carry a child to term that survives and we get to take home? How long? How many more tears do I have to shead? How many more gut wrenching photos must I see? How many more pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, shower invitations, or birthday parties must I witness without having some of my own? Will it ever come? Will I ever get to look at any of those things and not get sad and jealous and downtrodden? I can't imagine it. I don't think I can go back to being so hopefull and excited. For as long as I live I will never associate a pregnancy with a baby. I will always associate it with dread. With anxiety and fear. I have been robbed of hope for myself and for others. I can no longer even look at a pregnancy announcement without feeling dread for the parents. Part of me wants to hope, but the larger part wants to protect my heart.
I am in a weird place. I truly believed that once we were able to try again I would be given purpose and that it would help. I thought it would make me feel as if we were working towards the goal of a family, however now it just feels like we are fighting a losing battle. Like we are ignoring the inevitable truth that we are not meant to have our own family. It goes against what I feel, what I felt, in my heart when we got married. It is so terrible to think that your personal choices may be taken from you without your consent. We may never get to have a family of our own, even though we wanted a family with four children. I know we have time. This is the first cycle. But it is crazy to me how utterly hopeless we feel at this point when I thought having a goal would help. I'm at a loss. Grief has changed me from a sure woman who knew what was ahead of her to a woman who only knows how to guard her heart.
I just pray that God will help heal my heart and my mind. That He will help us to overcome this awful place we are in. That He gives us strength and patience and love. That He fuels our passion for life and each other and keeps us going. Maybe one day we will get to have our family, it just seems like it's so far away.
For now, I hope and pray He can help me feel a little less upset and a lot more thankful.
.. how accurate I was last post.
I am a wreck. We used the ovulation predictor kit but it messed up and I think we missed it for this month. I have been using the HPT's (home pregnancy tests) and am getting something that could be an error. I'm resigning myself to being okay with not getting pregnant this month, but it's proving to be difficult.
I'm lucky that Brent doesn't think I'm crazy. He understands how hard this is for me. At first I tried to hide how obsessive I was being, because I thought it would freak him out. Tonight he told me that while it's a little different for him, he's still just as anxious to get pregnant again. He said all my emotions and fears and anxieties are understandable, and to some extent he feels the same way. It was such a relief to hear him say that. I still feel as if I'm being too obsessive, but I also know it just goes with the territory.
On top of all the trying to get pregnant stuff, it's been hard being positive and not letting Tucker get lost in all this, so tonight we did some things to help remember him around our house. We bought a picture frame that's made for sonogram pictures and it says Our Little Miracle on it. It's perfect. Tucker touched our hearts in ways that would have never been possible if he lived. He's given us so much to thankful for and to remember. He is our little miracle even if we didn't get to keep him. We also bought a little angel lovey. I think we'll keep it in the nursery of our future children just to remember him.
Anyways, I'm going to go read now. Goodnight.
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