That day when my parents came wasn't bad at all. We all ignored it. But when I got home the next day, Mom and I had our talk. Everything went really well, all things considered. So since then, Con and I have been really careful and considerate when we are in my house. It was really important to me that we show my parents respect for how they are dealing with this situation, so I keep making Con keep his hands to himself while we are in the house.
So I guess that brings us to tonight. I've been painting my room for the last few days, and it's almost all done. Well, Con hasn't really hung out with me in a while because of it, so he decided to come over while I was painting flowers on the border for the accent wall. Every time I went to sit by him, he was getting really "touchy". I kept trying to be polite about stopping him, and he would get frustrated and pout. It was getting very annoying. Well, when it came time for him to leave, I had decided it would be best for me just to stay inside and not go out to his car. Well, he guilted me into going out, even though I knew he just wanted to have sex in his car. So we went out, and proceeded to do such, when all of a sudden he stops. I freak out and ask him "WHAT?" and he tells me that my house door is OPEN! At this point, he isn't moving off of me, and I shove him off. He "hmphs" like he's MAD AT ME! I can freaking see my house porch light being flashed on and off, while a head is in the top window of the door, and he's mad that I want to put my clothes on as quickly as possible!?!? I'm shaking I'm so scared. I know that my mom is asleep, so that MUST be my Father! Conor, meanwhile, is just mad we stopped having sex, and we're not going to FINISH.
Right now I'm so mad I can hardly breathe. I rush to put all my clothes on and run straight into the house to the bathroom and lock the door. I wait in there for about 30 mins, not doing anything, then rush to my room, where I shut and lock the door again. Now I'm just in here, not sure what's going to happen tomorrow, or how I'm going to look my father in the eyes tomorrow. I can't believe that I felt GUILTY about not wanting to have sex! I'm never ever going to feel guilty about that again. I knew that it wasn't something we should be doing.. it was so disrespectful. I just let myself be guilted into it, and look where it got me.
Of course, Conor sent me a text later saying "I'm sorry, it's all my fault. It will only happen when you REALLY want it to, Natalie. I'm sorry I made you feel bad so you came out to the car." Blah blah blah. He apologizes, but he never learns. But it's just as much my fault as his. I can't believe I was so stupid. I'm really mad at him, I can't even deny it.
This really stinks.
So a few days back, my boyfriend and I were talking about maybe going on a vacation together. We thought the idea seemed like fun, but, as we are both still teenagers and must cope with our parents and their consequences. So, I decided to get my sister to help seed the idea into my parents' heads and get their opinions. Seemed like a good idea. Anyways, it turned into my Mom JUST NOW finding out that he and I are having sex.. I thought I had made this pretty clear in a previous talk we had. Weeelll, needless to say, I'm now stuck with the fact that she's coming up here, with my day, either tomorrow or the next day to help me move.. AWKWARD. I don't want it to be, but how could it NOT be?? She told my sister she was "disappointed" and that she wants to talk with my boyfriend and I. I just hope everything goes well. :)
Funny thing, though. Con told me "I guess this is what it must feel like to be Gay.. NATALIE! We're coming out of the Virgin Closet!!" Hahahaha. :) Made my evening.
Well, I still have two finals left to study for, so I had better get back to studying! Organic CHemistry and Old Testament! Whoo Hoo! x_x
Natalie
I'm so frustrated right now it's unbelievable. I'm crying about CLASSES! This is not funny.
All I'm trying to do is take 2 classes over the summer at a community college. After jumping though all the hoops on Hardin-Simmons' end, I'm now forced to deal with Northlake people! I keep getting put on hold, or told to call someone else, or being disconnected! Now they are saying that I need certain prerequisites to take the Microbiology class I want to take.. prerequisites that are NOT required for me to take it here at HSU.. I can get that wavered IF I can get a dean to talk to me and show him my transcript.. IF I COULD GET AHOLD OF THAT PERSON! And oh yeah, they only offer Micro at El Centro, so I would be taking one class in DOWNTOWN FREAKING DALLAS and another one in Irving... I'm so upset. Everyone keeps telling me different things. I don't know who to believe or what to do!
So, after a week of getting signatures and checking to make sure these classes will work for HSU, which I thought was ridiculous, I'm now forced to do that AND MORE for Northlake's end!! I was upset, feeling overwhelmed, and lost, so I called my mom... What does she do? She yells at me "What do YOU want?!?" and so I explain. She then tells me, "Well, I don't know either!!" So I hang up, and burst into tears. I had been on the phone for almost 2 hours trying to get all this figured out and she won't even TRY to help me.
So, after all this work, I think I'm just not going to take classes this summer. I'll just work. I'm so upset right now. I can't believe how much time I've wasted on this. I feel emotionally drained. It's not fair. I hate this. I hate it.
I'm about to eat a snickers bar, turn on the tv, and crawl into bed. Who knows if I'll come out for class tomorrow... I'm really not in the mood for ANYTHING.
Natalie.
Timo sent my another picture he took of Conor and I over the summer last year. I think that by this time we were at his house. I think this is my favorite one. :) The only sad part is that Con recently cut off all his hair and mine is twice as long as it is there.. haha. I don't care though, I LOVE this picture!
Natalie.
Why is it that Mom's can make you feel better just by talking to you?? =] I'm almost 20 and I'm just now realizing how much I love and appreciate my Mom. She's the most amazing woman in the world. How could I have ever treated such a woman so badly? I didn't even need to go into details, just talking to her made me feel better. I love my Mom.
Natalie
I had the most amazing Spring Break, and only because I didn't do a dang thing! I got to hang out with Con and my family the whole time. When I'm home it's as if all the time that's been between us hasn't happened at all. I love it. He's so perfect for me. All of this just keeps getting harder though. I don't know if it's just starting to wear me out or what, but every time I have to say goodbye to him it keeps getting harder. Every time I get back to school I get depressed. For the first day I'm fine, but then that night, when it's quiet and everyone is catching up, I start to miss him and get sad. Then he's all I can think about and it gets worse. I hate this feeling. I want to be with him, to be near him. To hold him every night. I know that in a week I'll be fine again, but I just feel so crappy now. I want my boy back. I want to be with him again.
Natalie
1. He is so talented.. way more than I EVER was.
2. He tells me I'm beautiful in every way.
3. He is scared of getting married.
4. I'm not sure that I could live without him anymore.
5. He is so sure of everything.
6. He understands me like no one else on this whole planet.
7. He pushes me to do more than what I think is sufficient.
8. He would suffer through anything for me.. silently.
9. I have to make the hard decisions because he's too nice sometimes.
10. When he does something, he does it completely, and is the best at it.
I know that most of these silly blogs end up being about him, but I just can't put him out of my mind. He is always there. Always with me. I think that's how I know we are meant to be. I found a song today that I want to be played at my wedding. It's so cute. It's perfect.
Until You, by Dave Barnes.
Let's just take our time
There's nothing else to do
What better way to spend the night
Than wasting it with you
The moon has won the war
The daylight waits to end
Stay here by my side
We'll watch the struggle start again
I need you now and forever
So stay right here with me
Don't ever leave
Love was kept from me like a secret
And I swore that I was through
Until you, until you
The city settles down
I watch you as you sleep
There's a silent celebration for
Every breath you breathe
Now this all makes sense
With you as company
I left all I knew and found
A better part of me, yeah
The time it took to find you
I would
Wait again my baby
The feelings that
I feel with you, yeah
until you until you until you